Category Archives: TV

Tyransanity

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I already love this season of America’s Next Top Model, it’s got major crazy potential.  

Tangent, I heard a coworker mention me as liking “food and crazy people.”  I love that they’re beginning to really know me.

To start off, instead of showing the tape of the auditions, Tyra decided to dress up and reenact them herself.   No seriously, that happened.

Then.  Tyra has this big group of girls and they’re socializing and the judges are picking the girls to go on as contestants, from another room.  Then all the girls are given envelopes and told that if their picture is inside, they’ve been chosen to be a part of this cycle and if not they’ll be going home.  Half the girls get a photo, and are elated.  They’re led off and NEVER SEEN AGAIN.

The group of “rejects” are taken to collect their luggage and then Tyra informs them that SURPRISE, they’re going to the models’ apartment because they are in fact the contestants for this season.  I’m sure I’m not the only one who, witnessing the sea of delight and hugging that followed, wondered about the first group who thought they were the winners.  Did one of the Jays, or perhaps Tyra appear to break the JUST KIDDING YOU LOSE news themselves, or were they just poisoned or shot to avoid the trouble?

Ok so THEN, the girls go to their photo shoot/runway show and it’s them getting their picture taken during hair and makeup backstage at the photo shoot.  One girl (Brittani [whom we like]) has her eyelid folded up during makeup, a moment that is captured and makes second best photo for being, and I quote the judges, “so hot.”

THEN, the girls are carefully taped inside big inflatable hamster balls full of glitter and told to walk down a runway that is a balance beam.  That is floating in a pool.

Naturally two girls (only two!) fall off and are now in a big beach ball floating with no traction, and are expected to save themselves.  Before the oxygen in their bubble runs out.

 

One rather bubbleheaded girl muses that she is worried she’s “spend the rest of her life in that bubble” without being able to get out.  I don’t think she’s referring to the suffocation risk but in light of that it suddenly seems like a valid objection.

The girls that fall try to will their balls to the side of the pool by flopping around in them like dead fish.  No one in the audience or backstage makes the slightest move to help.

It’s a beautiful concept and no thanks to anyone but the models, no one dies

The girls then move into their first elimination panel and are understandably very nervous.  Tyra only wishes to discuss her tshirt, which has a giant picture of fellow judge (and Vogue editor) Andre Leon Talley.  Andre Leon Talley is wearing a top hat that has it’s own ponytail, bobbed and sticking straight up as if in indignation. 

I love this show more than ….. well more than most things.

So for who I like (“we” referring to the royal we of Aurora and I, as Aurora is too busy to watch regularly but likes to lustily cheer for my choices when she gets that rare moment [Aurora is the best best friend ever]), we like Hannah.  She’s so pretty!  with so much hair and energy and eyeliner!  and so far, not the slightest whiff of bitchcrazy!!

We also like Molly, Brittani, Dalya, Ondrei and Mikayla.

 

We like Sarah but we’re concerned about her potential.

Who do you like?  And can someone explain Andre Leon Talley’s hat to me, please?

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America’s Next Top Model. Yes, again.

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Dear Naduah,

………. that was over quick.  Why you gotta be like that, huh?  I LIKED you.  I TRUSTED you.  And you got weird.

Love, Valancy Jane

I think Anslee is my new favorite (her ears! so cute!), but I’m a little gun-shy because the promo for next week shows her yelling at another contestant.  We all know how I feel about that, so we’ll see.

Raina could steal my affection, I think.  This photo below is perfect, in my opinion.  (Other than them feeling the need to airbrush out the nipple but whatevs.)

Simone needs to “push through it” as Tyra would say, but I think she’s got all the ingredients.

Ren is great ……. but lets face it.  Ren is going to quit.  Oh and I’m entirely certain her name is actually Lauren and she’s just trying to sound edgier.  Which is totally fine.  But I’m calling her Lauren now.

Aurora has tentatively picked Jessica and I don’t entirely disagree.  Aurora won’t like that I think of her as a little vanilla, but she’s good and I’m willing to change my mind.

It seems remiss not to mention Brenda, because she’s doing well, but I just can’t muster up much of an opinion on her other than a vaguely positive feeling.  We’ll see.

Angelea laid low this week, giving Alasia a chance to showcase some major crazy.  (And butt cheek.)  Someone tell her it’s a modeling competition, not a yelling competition.

Lord knows I don’t mind a little butt cheek, but let’s leave this post in a better place, shall we?  Here’s another shot of Anslee, modeling a perfume that begins as a color.

It’s time to talk about ANTM.

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I like Anslee, even if it’s clear she has no idea what she’s doing.

Simone is gorgeous, and I think her makeover gives her a good edge.

Ren is ok, even if she does cite her occupation as “living.”

I ADORE Naduah, and not just because she’s from my hometown, I swear.  Who knew a shaved head could be so endearing and cute?  She’s my early fave.

And Angelea still scares the crap out of me.  I don’t think the therapy really took.  When she looks at the camera, I duck.

Care with me.

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The models for the upcoming Cycle 13* of America’s Next Top  Model have been announced.

(*Since this is the short girl round, I prefer to refer to it as Cycle 12.9)

Based solely on the pictures released, here are my faves.

Courtney –

Sundai –

Laura –

I of course reserve the right to amend these choices, pending any bitchtastic behavior.

Who do you like?

Sometimes I ask myself ….

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…. what would Karen Walker do?

A quick Google consult, and I always find my answer.

“Get on your back, point your heels to Jesus and think of handbags.”

“Don’t be too chatty, just try to sound like you have big boobs.”

“Honey, if I gave in to every persuasive argument I’d be in some kind of crazy three-way marriage with Maury Povich and Connie Chung!”

I simply don’t acknowledge that you potentially could be uninterested in this.

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We’re down to the final four on America’s Next Top Model, so let me tell you how I feeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeel about them.

Sam (top) and Mckey (below) I feel the same way about. Can’t muster up any serious emotions and I honestly feel like I’ve seen them before, in a general way.America's Next Top Model

America's Next Top Model

Marjorie, Marjorie.  When you’re good, you’re amazing.  When you’re bad, you’re a spiraling neurotic mess, painful to watch.  I fear you will be the most talented model to ever lose the competition.  That said, this week’s teaser showed you getting drunk and kissing someone.  This is exactly the sort of way to keep my love, Marjorie.   Getting drunk and molesting a male model is simply the only way to  go, darling.America's Next Top Model

Analeigh, darling.  I like you so much that I always wanted you to be better.  Thank you for indulging me and improving so much. America's Next Top ModelAmerica's Next Top Model

Now go get ’em, kitten.