Category Archives: shiny things

Tyransanity

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I already love this season of America’s Next Top Model, it’s got major crazy potential.  

Tangent, I heard a coworker mention me as liking “food and crazy people.”  I love that they’re beginning to really know me.

To start off, instead of showing the tape of the auditions, Tyra decided to dress up and reenact them herself.   No seriously, that happened.

Then.  Tyra has this big group of girls and they’re socializing and the judges are picking the girls to go on as contestants, from another room.  Then all the girls are given envelopes and told that if their picture is inside, they’ve been chosen to be a part of this cycle and if not they’ll be going home.  Half the girls get a photo, and are elated.  They’re led off and NEVER SEEN AGAIN.

The group of “rejects” are taken to collect their luggage and then Tyra informs them that SURPRISE, they’re going to the models’ apartment because they are in fact the contestants for this season.  I’m sure I’m not the only one who, witnessing the sea of delight and hugging that followed, wondered about the first group who thought they were the winners.  Did one of the Jays, or perhaps Tyra appear to break the JUST KIDDING YOU LOSE news themselves, or were they just poisoned or shot to avoid the trouble?

Ok so THEN, the girls go to their photo shoot/runway show and it’s them getting their picture taken during hair and makeup backstage at the photo shoot.  One girl (Brittani [whom we like]) has her eyelid folded up during makeup, a moment that is captured and makes second best photo for being, and I quote the judges, “so hot.”

THEN, the girls are carefully taped inside big inflatable hamster balls full of glitter and told to walk down a runway that is a balance beam.  That is floating in a pool.

Naturally two girls (only two!) fall off and are now in a big beach ball floating with no traction, and are expected to save themselves.  Before the oxygen in their bubble runs out.

 

One rather bubbleheaded girl muses that she is worried she’s “spend the rest of her life in that bubble” without being able to get out.  I don’t think she’s referring to the suffocation risk but in light of that it suddenly seems like a valid objection.

The girls that fall try to will their balls to the side of the pool by flopping around in them like dead fish.  No one in the audience or backstage makes the slightest move to help.

It’s a beautiful concept and no thanks to anyone but the models, no one dies

The girls then move into their first elimination panel and are understandably very nervous.  Tyra only wishes to discuss her tshirt, which has a giant picture of fellow judge (and Vogue editor) Andre Leon Talley.  Andre Leon Talley is wearing a top hat that has it’s own ponytail, bobbed and sticking straight up as if in indignation. 

I love this show more than ….. well more than most things.

So for who I like (“we” referring to the royal we of Aurora and I, as Aurora is too busy to watch regularly but likes to lustily cheer for my choices when she gets that rare moment [Aurora is the best best friend ever]), we like Hannah.  She’s so pretty!  with so much hair and energy and eyeliner!  and so far, not the slightest whiff of bitchcrazy!!

We also like Molly, Brittani, Dalya, Ondrei and Mikayla.

 

We like Sarah but we’re concerned about her potential.

Who do you like?  And can someone explain Andre Leon Talley’s hat to me, please?

Fast cars and girls.

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So I just sold my old car on Craigslist.

What you see here is part of the payoff for a rather frustrating couple of days.  I got tons, TONS of responses, not even sure how many because I just started deleting every one that didn’t use punctuation.  I don’t have time for ALL CAPS MAN, either.

And the questions.  My God, the questions.  If I hadn’t sold it so quickly, I was going to add this to my ad.

Frequently Asked Questions.

No, I will not trade you for it’s worth in tattoos.  Tattoos are awesome, but I don’t think I’ll ever in my life get as much ink as the car is worth, and if I did, it’d be from an artist successful enough to afford his car.

Thanks for letting me know that for half my asking price you’ll “ask no questions about the title.”  I’ll save your email address in case I ever take up GRAND THEFT AUTO, and need an accomplice.

No, you may NOT break into the property where it’s stored and leave the money in the mailbox.  It’s not that I don’t trust you, it’s that …. no wait.  It IS that I don’t trust you.

Beginning your email with the announcement that you are pro-life does not affect the price of the car.  But you know what I can do for ya?  I can scratch MY bumper stickers off the car.  How’s that? 

Offering me half the value of the car on the spot to “save your precious time,” means you estimate my time as worth that of a very high-priced hooker.  Thanks.  Honestly.  But I’m not a high-priced hooker.  I am a very, very cheap Jew.

In the end, you’d be proud of me, kids.  I sold the car to a mechanic who went from calling me “little lady” and offering me two-thirds my price, to paying my asking price and offering me a job in his shop because I haggled so well.

Star Party

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“Hey boss?”

“Yeah?”

“Do you mind if I leave about 20 minutes early?  I have to be downtown by six.”

“Have fun partying.”

“I’m going to an astronomy lecture at the museum, actually.”

Cut to three hours later, I’m drinking bourbon out of my purse and stage whispering to my buddy Yost that I’m totally turned on by the Hubble Telescope, and I recall laughingly that little hint of indignation that crept into that last sentence.

My boss knows me too well, I guess.  Everything turns into a party.

It’s time to talk about ANTM.

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I like Anslee, even if it’s clear she has no idea what she’s doing.

Simone is gorgeous, and I think her makeover gives her a good edge.

Ren is ok, even if she does cite her occupation as “living.”

I ADORE Naduah, and not just because she’s from my hometown, I swear.  Who knew a shaved head could be so endearing and cute?  She’s my early fave.

And Angelea still scares the crap out of me.  I don’t think the therapy really took.  When she looks at the camera, I duck.

And punctuation-happy.

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The Emperor – “I’m so pumped for Star Party!”

Valancy Jane – “Meeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeee toooooooooooooooooooo!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!”

The Emperor – “Helllllllllll yes!!!!!!!!!!!!!”

Valancy Jane – “STAR PARTY!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!”

The Emperor – “God.  I can’t fuckiiiiiiinggggggggg waiiiiiiiiiiiit.”

Valancy Jane – “We’re such nerds, it’s lucky we’re cute.”

The Emperor – “True story.”