Category Archives: mail

I have no doubt that I’ve earned it …. somehow….

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Yesterday I got a check in the mail, hand addressed, from the City of San Diego.

No explanation, no enclosed letter, nothing but an invoice number and a staple on the check stub that held a remnant of what must have been an additional page.

It’s not from the parking or traffic services division, sadly I’m familiar with their addresses.  I haven’t done jury duty or anything like that.  I’m not involved in any lawsuits.

I’m left with the conclusion that it was an April Fools joke, an attempt to drive me nuts.  So I’m just going to sit back, cash it, and accept that the city wants me to have these.

The Word.

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Just the other day, I got this in the mail.

A letter all in Korean, and two fliers.  According to the pictures, they appeared to be literature on how not to be homeless, and how to domesticate brown bears.  Seriously, right there in the lower right, that little girl is patting a bear while her mother looks on.

Careful inspection shows an address on the back that belongs to the Jehovah’s Witness church.  This is either a mistake, or a prank.  I’m hoping prank.  (“Lola?”)

And it made me think of something.

About eight years ago I lived in an apartment at the end of a long hallway.  There we were, right next to an apartment with two guys, age 18 and 20.  Their girlfriends were 16 and 18.  At least four nights a week I’d have to wade through a hallway full of drunk (occasionally crying) high school girls, there for some party.  Being knee deep in impressionable young pussy didn’t stop either of these guys from knocking on the wall between us, calling out for sex.   We were friends, in a fashion, but their habits GOT OLD FAST.

One morning there was a knock on the door.  I checked my alarm clock (remember those?) and it was 7:30 am.  Slightly too late for the party twins.  I checked the peephole, saw a little kid, and opened it up. 

Classic bait move.  Jehovah’s Witnesses.  They said they’d like to share a scripture with me.  That always makes me chuckle because I’ve never met a missionary who’s more familiar with the Bible than me, much to their chagrin.  (HI JOEL!)  The whole book is so contradictory, and it’s like a ring in their nose, you can lead them in circles for your own amusement for hoursssssssssss.

And then one popped into my head.  Romans 12:19 says “Dearly beloved, avenge not yourselves, but rather give place unto wrath: for it is written,* Vengeance is mine; I will repay, saith the Lord.”  *(This is, a reference to Deuteronomy 32:35, “To me belongeth vengeance and recompence; their foot shall slide in due time: for the day of their calamity is at hand, and the things that shall come upon them make haste.”)

Vengeance is mine, saith the Lord.  I decided to take him up on his offer.

“Oh thanks guys.  I’m already a member of your church.  And I’m so glad you’re here.  The guys across the street, they’re really hostile at times but ….. the other night one of them was telling me that he’s really not sure where he’s going in life and ……… well, I shared some of the Word with him and he was upset that his roommate might find out but he really wanted to read more ….. I could really use a hand.  You just gotta ignore what they say, they really wanna hear this.  Could you guys put them on the list?”

“Oh!  Of course!  Thanks for spreading the good news with them!”

“Well of course.  Oh and ……….. the only time to catch them at home is really early in the mornings.”

“Got it.  God bless!”

“Oh, you too.  YOU TOO.”

I’m not sure if they got religion, or just the early morning wakeups got to them, but either way ……….. peace reigned in our building after that.

Yost sent me presents.

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*knock, knock*

Valancy Jane – *gets up*

Buckman – “Go away, we hate you!”

Valancy Jane – *opens the door*  “Oh.  You’re not Aurora.  Whoops.”

Postman – “Uh, are you Thelo, uh, Thelove ………… hm.  Oh.  I see.  The lovely Vala …. Valac …….”

Valancy Jane – “Yes.  Thelove  LyValac.  That’s me.”

Postman – *blink, blink*

Valancy Jane – “It’s Prussian.”

Dear Makers of the Organic Essentials Cotton Balls,

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When I stood in the aisle, I was delighted to find an organic option, but also wondering what the difference would be between a regular and organic cotton ball.  Your bag said I would find them fresher and softer.

After buying them and taking them home, I can confirm this.  I just ate four and they are delicious! Yum!

Thank you!

-Valancy Jane

P.S.  Thank you for the recycleable bag.  I’m looking forward to running out, so I’ll have a place to keep my pet  bunny.

RE: Polyphasic Sleep

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Valancy Jane: Bunny would say she’d shiver to think of the things I would find to fill the time.

Ikey: hahaha, you do have lots of VHS
and lots of craft supplies

Valancy Jane: I’d prolly start writing letters to my Congressman again. Signed by my cat.

Ikey: lol

Valancy Jane: He never wrote us back …..

Ikey: maybe his cat doesn’t have the same liberties

Valancy Jane: That’s precisely his complaint in the letter.

“It must be your birthday,” the mailman said.

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“Hmmmm?”  I looked up.

He handed me a couple of boxes.  “Happy birthday?”

I didn’t want to tell him the real reason The Internet is being so nice to me, and so I smiled and nodded.  But by the time I’d opened the koala with the Australian flag, the cookies, the three sparkly headbands and the pony, it didn’t feel at all like a lie.