Zia – “Did you know you can send a blank text message?”
VJ – “I did, actually. Lola taught me that it’s a fun way to mess with people.”
….. women are evolving to become more beautiful over time.
Here, they explain the how and the why.
But I mean, I could have told you that. I don’t know any un-beautiful women. I checked.
“I wanna take it out behind a middle school and get it pregnant!”
Next week I’m going to attempt Lola’s infamous bread recipe, and so this week while simmering some black beans, I tried my hand at flavored olive oils to accompany them.
The one on the left is lemon, persimmon and dill. The one on the right is jalapeno, cilantro and hellfire damnation. I’m pretty sure it will cause chemical burns. I’m pretty sure if I stuck a wick in it instead of a nozzle, it would be a weapon.
I’m really excited to try them.
Next project, flavored vinegar. Flavor suggestions for a red wine vinegar?
When Lola was here, she noticed I have two of her paintings on my wall. “I’d forgotten about these!” she said. “Will you take a picture and send them to me? I want to show my husband.”
While I was at it, I took a picture of the painting one of my little kidlets did of Rudolf the bunny.
I’m not sure if he recognizes his name, but whenever anyone squeals over how cute the painting is, he bounces around like, “HELLO, the ORIGINAL is RIGHT OVER HERE.”
Which made me think that perhaps if there was a painting of Mau around, Mau would be relieved of dealing with quite so much annoying adoration.
You’re welcome, Mau.
The following is a list of things said into walkie talkies, at the zoo, by Lola and/or I. It’s a wonder we’re not banned.
– “We have a monkey flinging poo. Two civilians down.”
– “I’m out front of the rhinos. Why do I only see two rhinos? ……………. Uh, YEAH. ………… Yes, I realize what this means.”
– “All is calm here. News apparentely hasn’t spread yet.”
– “I can confirm, yes, hole in the condor net. The condor hasn’t noticed it yet, so feed him NOW, or we may have a much bigger problem on our hands.”
– “Send Marci to the gift shop for some of those iron on patches. Maybe we can make the hazmat outfits look like standard zoo keeper gear…”
– “How do you ACCIDENTLY leave THREE gates open?”
– “I TOLD you it was a bad idea to put the pandas next to the nacho cart, but did you listen? *heavy sigh* Get the baby shampoo.”
So when she came to visit, we did the civic minded thing to do, and took ourselves there.
We took our time and walked, because it was a glorious day and a glorious route. Also because we wanted to eat a lot.
It’s a good thing we didn’t stop and feed the fish. ‘Cause you’re not supposed to do that. So we didn’t. I swear.
Lola and I had brought our infamous walkie talkies, the ones that had gotten dusty in the two and a half years since I’ve seen her last (sweet Baby Jesus, has it been that long? We had to do the math to check).
We were only able to pick up the security channel in bits and pieces, so mostly we used them to talk to each other. While standing next to each other.
This made us very popular in line for the bus tour.
In an attempt to deflect attention away from how obnoxious we were being, we’d occasionally point to a tree and squint and look really surprised.
Or we’d have conversations with “base” about how everyone was calm here, and the news of the escape hadn’t spread yet.
An employee plucked out out of line to cut onto an earlier bus. Either because they sensed that the woman in front of us was about to hit us, or because we were the only small group that could fill up the last two seats. I’m still not sure, possibly both.
A little boy of about four or five years turned around as soon as we sat down and said “hello laaaadies,” in precisely the tone of a fifty year old man who’s offering to light your cigarette. “I like your dress,” he added, looking me over slowly.
I can only imagine this must have been what George Clooney was like at that age.
I wanted a picture but his father was already looking nervous about our association with his son.
I’m convinced these would be the easiest of all the animals to steal. Contact me for details. Or just go with a khaki shirt, a patch from the gift shop, two backpack straps, and a stapler, and figure it out for yourself.
Speaking of gift shops, why do I like them so much, and never buy anything from them?
Lola and I practice how not to lose our necks, as TyTy is always warning us.
The mama and baby anteater were actually one of the cutest things I saw all day.
Someday I want a lawn full of flamingos. Real ones.
I seeeeeee you!
“Caution – Gorilla statues may be hot!”
Clearly this guy agrees, as he unwittingly recreates Lele’s shot.
Ever wonder what it looks like when a hippo poops? I don’t. Neither does this kid. We know.
The best thing about zoos is also the scary thing for someone like me. By making me care about the animals and naming them and letting me stand really close up, is that if I ever encounter a polar bear in the wild, I will prolly go running towards it, arms outstretched, hearing soft music in my head. I will practically crawl into it’s mouth.
So Lola and I lavished our love on the statues.
These guys so serious and so adorable, all at once.
Helping kids climb the statue is a socially acceptable way of speeding up the line …..
…. so that it gets to be your turn sooner.
Prehistoric lions are apparently nicer than modern ones.
Please refrain from noting the resemblance of this photo to a school dance photo.
And please refrain from noting the resemblance of me to the two toed tree sloth.
It was really just a mugging gone wrong.
“Lola, go see if you can get some ketchup!”
The capybara’s are my favorite animals at the zoo. They used to be located right by the pretzel cart, a fact that was not lost on them every time I came to visit. Next time I’ll have to bring an extra one.
I wonder how big a donation you have to make to the zoo to be able to spend an afternoon cat napping with the capybaras.
The tour guides and signs had a lot to say about the “enrichment trees,” which are really just structures to hang toys and puzzles from for the elephants, to keep them from getting bored.
Clearly, I need an enrichment tree in the lobby. Full of glitter glue and liquor bottles.
“I’m a bird!”
“Say I’m a bird!”
“No, a BIRD.”
“It’s a line from a movie.”
“I know. Security is coming.”
Did you know there are beetles who’s sole goal in life is to roll poop into perfectly round balls? I can’t help but be reminded of some people I know.
Anyway. While some people were WATCHING a film about elephants …
Actually, I kid. There was no one else around watching it. For some reason the exhibit was totally deserted, prolly because it was getting both warm and late. At more than one point, Lola looked around and wondered if they’d closed and somehow missed us. An event we both agreed would be the best of our entire lives.
That is an ass. Kissing an ass’s ass.
And speaking of things that make one snicker, although this one much more sadly, we have a sign about the huge human effect on extinction rates, and then in the background, a restuarant called “Sabertooth Grill.”
Here, an elephant collar proves that it’s a good thing elephants don’t want to eat us, because they clearly could swallow us. Sideways.
What? We didn’t go MUCH farther….
This little meerkat was in a hurry to get somewhere.
Perhaps to his home office?
In contrast, I half expected these guys to start singing and dancing.
Now, if it flew into the zoo of it’s own accord, the employees can’t do anything if you take it out ………. right?
And I’m pretty sure this pea hen and chicks WANTED to come home with us. I mean, we were having pizza and wine for dinner.
I don’t think I’ll be around much, partly because I’ll be drunk, or because Lola is coming to town, or because I’m drunk with Lola.
I’ll be back Tuesday, unless I need bail money.
In fact, it’d prolly be best to just send it now.