Category Archives: jonny

Dayquil, grammar, marriage and unicorns.


Rhett says:
So how many doses of Dayquil is too many doses?

Valancy Jane says:
For me?

Rhett says:
I have a grammar question
Which is correct: “How many doses is too many doses?” or “How many doses are too many doses?”

Jonny Opinion says:

Rhett says:
Because I don’t know if you’re technically referring to a group of doses or simply a single number representative of doses.
That is what I also thought.

Jonny Opinion says:
I’m British, and therefore incapable of grammatical error.

Rhett says:
This is why we love you.

Jonny Opinion says:
It’s very convenient.  I don’t even have to think about it, I’m just automatically correct.

Valancy Jane says:
I think it’s ‘are,’ actually.
But then, I’m not the right person to ask.

Rhett says:
But Jonny is incapable of making a mistake.

Valancy Jane says:
That’s not true.

Jonny Opinion says:
Yes VJ.  I know you’re pregnant and perhaps a little hormonal but surely you haven’t forgotten this very basic truth.

Valancy Jane says:
Jonny hasn’t asked me to marry him lately.
OBVIOUSLY a mistake.

Jonny Opinion says:
I married you last night, while you were asleep.

Valancy Jane says:

Jonny Opinion says:
Check your ring finger.
**Waits patiently for an apology**

Valancy Jane says:
But still.  You’re supposed to do it while I’m awake sometimes, to reassure me of my beauty and desirability.

Jonny Opinion says:
**Goes back in time 10 minutes**
Will you marry me you sexy mama?

Valancy Jane says:
Yes, of course I will.
*marries Jonny*
*travels back to present time*
Hey Jonny, look.  It’s our 11 minute anniversary.
What did you get me?

Jonny Opinion says:
A unicorn called Calvin
covered in glitter
on a trampoline

Valancy Jane says:

Or maybe he was really trying to tell us something.


Jonny says:
I am a fungus of opportunity

Colsy says:
fungus eh?

Valancy Jane says:

Rhett says:
You are a fungi, Jonny.

Jonny says:
Salute the ham, be silent chip
Nicely cement the floor to lips of politics
snack on the Monday of bewitched beliefs
never truthfully own a bacon library
Here ends my poem.

Valancy Jane says:
He’s like a robot that’s broken, and if one of use leaned over and smacked him really hard on the back he’d make sense again, but none of us want to do it yet.

Jonny’s Christmas Questionnaire


1. New scientific advances prove that not only is Santa Claus real, but he’s going to smash your face in. How do you respond, and why?  I do what every grown up, responsible woman does.  I would call my big brother.
2. Would you mind working on Christmas Day?  Hmmm.  Can I bring my cats and bunny?
3. If you missed the Queen’s speech, would you feel a little bit dirty?  Yes.  Not because I missed her speech, but because I always feel a bit dirty. 
4. What if all the turkeys in the world committed suicide tonight?  I would be sad.  Think of all the turkey friends I would lose. 
5. Would you have fish and chips for Christmas dinner, and if so, would that be a disappointment?  Yes, because I don’t eat fish, or any other animal.  I LOVE “chips,” however.  “Chips” covered in nacho cheese sauce, I can’t think of anything more festive.
6. Is Christmas a disappointment?  No.  Perhaps because of low expectations?
7. What’s the last thing you remember?    The alien abduction.
8. Have you ever kicked someone in the bollocks just for coming into the room and bellowing, “ho ho ho!” ?  Only if it wasn’t at Christmastime.  Nobody calls me a ho.   Except at Christmas.
9. What’s the worst Christmas present you’ve ever had?  A phone call.
10. What’s funny?  Me, motherfucker.
11. At what age did you stop climbing into bed with your Mum and Dad in the morning because you were up before they were and wanted your breakfast NOW?  Farther back than I can remember.  I cooked for myself mostly, anyhow.
12. What has this got to do with Christmas?  If there was someone in my life who had my bed access and was willing to make me breakfast, that would be like Christmas for me?
13. Are you superstitious?  I always say catagorically no, but that’s a lie.  I just have my own susperstistions.
14. Are you super?  Hell yes, bitch.
15. Are you supper?  If you’re lucky.
16. Silence or violence?  Silence.  Totally underrated.
17. Art or porn?  Yes, please.
18. Think of a number, any number. Multiply it by two. Was that fun?  Don’t make me answer that. 
19. How’s your dad?  Dunno.  Don’t care.  More importantly, how’s yours?  Is he rich?
20. Are you any good at origami?  Funny you should ask. 
21. Would you like to be more generous?  If I could pick just one thing to be more of, that would be it. 
22. Are you generally satisfied with your physical appearance?  Yes.  Of course.  Aren’t you?  Satisfied with mine, I mean.  What more could you want?  More nudity?  Fair enough.
23. What’s the weather like up there?  I’ll let you know when I grow up.
24. Do you wish you could soar gracefully over mountains and cities, unaided by magic or machine?  If I could pick just one thing …. oh wait.  If I could pick just two things …….
25. Have you ever cast a spell on anyone?  Lots of times.  I mean ……. uh.  Never on you, though.  You love me of your own free will.
26. I put a spell on you, coz you’re mine. Sorry. Can we still be friends?  Is that why my boobs are bigger?  Good call.  Of course we can.
27. If an acquaintance or colleague became an eagle, would you feel jealous, or smug?  Jealous.  Until they had to eat raw snake or something.
28. Does Scientology annoy you enough to do anything about it?  Very few things that annoy me annoy me that much.
29. Do you like Carry On films?  In lieu of any evidence to the contrary (like knowing what those are), I’ll say yes.
30. Are you nervous?  Almost never.
31. If you asked me what I wanted for Christmas and I said I didn’t want anything, would you still get me something?  I would get someone something.  Prolly a bum, and prolly booze.  I expect you’d approve.
32. How’s your mum?  Which one?  Bunny?  Beautiful as ever.  Rose?  Beautiful as ever.
33. Have you ever worn underwear?  Sadly, often.  Try not to hold this against me.
34. Do you like stilton?  I don’t know, I only suspect thats a type of cheese, and I catagorically like cheese.  So ……….. yes?
35. Do you wear flip flops much?  It’s SoCal, dude. 
36. What exactly is a sandwich?  A glimpse of heaven, if made properly.
37. Is there any dental floss in your house?  Of course.  Had to use something for the tripwires.
38. Have you ever cut your own hair?  Not after Buffy made me swear I never would again…
39. Do you understand?  Yes.
40. Did you enjoy answering these questions?  Yes, but hey, I’m obviously drunk.

A part of my complete breakfast …


Valancy Jane says:
I once met a girl who said she’d never had a potato chip in her entire life.

Jonny says:
Was she from earth?

Valancy Jane says:
Obviously, she was an actress living in LA.

Jonny says:
She was probably acting at the time.

Valancy Jane says:
No, by looking at her, you would believe she’d never had a potato chip.

Jonny says:
Nobody in the world – and even more certainly, nobody in America – has never eaten a single potato “chip”
Nobody in Europe either.
Maybe there’s still some tribes in the rainforest that have never eaten them, but that doesn’t mean they don’t WANT to.

Valancy Jane says:
She asked me if they were good.
I might have ruined her career, because I told her the truth.

Fun with phones.


Valancy Jane says:
Some kid keeps prank calling here, asking for a famous football player.
So today when they asked if he was here, I said, “yeah, hold on,” and transferred the kid to one of our salesguys who knew about it and agreed to play the part and swear at the kid a lot.
I imagine the kid is now shitting his pants.

Jonny says:

Valancy Jane says:
I know, right?

Jonny says:
Any day you can’t make a kid shit his pants over the phone can only be an average day, as the Bible says.

Although I’m not certain what the principle is, exactly.


Jonny says:
So anyway, Sven’s now a fully-fledged policeman
He has handcuffs and everything.

Valancy Jane says:
That’s sexy.

Jonny says:
He told me that one of his colleagues was late to a training day one day (the day after they’d first been given their own handcuffs) because he’d “accidentally” handcuffed his feet together while on the toilet.
These people are now protecting the city of Manchester.

Valancy Jane says:
That’s the best thing I’ve ever heard.

Jonny says:
I know, isn’t it?
And as if you wouldn’t try exactly the same thing yourself when first given a set of handcuffs.
I know I would.

Valancy Jane says:
I would handcuff someone ELSE to my toilet.
But the principle remains the same.