Category Archives: delightful nonsense

Words I’ve taught my iPhone autocorrect. (Besides the swear words.)

  • Prolly.
  • Dunno.
  • Hee!
  • Heeeeeeeeeeeeey.
  • Absofuckinglutely.
  • Kittentits.
  • Ladydoodle.
  • Wifeypoodle.
  • Squeeeee!
  • OMGPONY!!!1!
  • whyarewewhispering?
  • Posh Bucksaw.
  • Teradactyl-awesome.
  • Brunchable.
  • Wowsers.
  • Nossssssseriously.

I think you’ll see why it’s my new favorite restaurant.


There’s this place called Iris, about a mile away from my house.  I’d been there before with Jesse and Bethany, and now I go there a lot, because I like the food, and because it’s close, and because I am precisely the sort of person who gets in a total rut is loyal.

Last night I told our waiter that he’d spoiled me on my birthday, and I would now expect all my deserts with a candle and singing.  He insisted he shouldn’t sing, but was there a song I’d like to hear played?  Something romantic, I said.  Sentimental.

So when he returned with my candlelit pudding, BoysIIMen was singing over the speakers.  Now that’s service.

It made perfect sense to her.


Amber – “Do you have a mommy?”

Valancy Jane – “Actually, I was found in a field.”

Adam and Buckman – *laugh*

Valancy Jane – “No one knows where I came from.  I was wearing a pale pink diaper made of what they say looked like knitted metal.”

Adam – “Uh, VJ….”

Valancy Jane – “I have no belly button.”

Amber – “………. Ok.”



Valancy Jane: I’m contemplating nachos.

‘Rezzie: Mmmm I had nachos last week. It made me think of you.
It’s a little… strange… the number of things that remind me of you.
Let’s list some!

Valancy Jane: I think of you every time I pick my shoes for the day.

‘Rezzie: Glitter

Valancy Jane: I think of you every time I put my hair up, for some reason.

‘Rezzie: Any sort of soup, for some reason
I think of you when I put large flowers in my hair.
Or small ones, at that.

Valancy Jane: Any time I eat grapes. Can’t really explain that one either.

‘Rezzie: Huh.
Anytime I read Anne of Green Gables.
That one’s no big leap, considering your favourite book.
Mixed cds remind me of you and of Jonny.

Valancy Jane: I think of you whenever I think of crocheted scarves.

‘Rezzie: Hee!
I think of you a lot. I’m glad you seem to think of me at least as much. 🙂 🙂 🙂

Valancy Jane: Whenever I get a letter in the mail I wasn’t expecting, I always wonder in that first instant if it’s from you.

‘Rezzie: ME TOO!
Or, the mafia.

Valancy Jane: It could happen.

‘Rezzie: Very true. I don’t know why, but I always have had this tiny small hope that I’ll get misdirected mail from someone in the mafia.

Valancy Jane: I’m certain you will.
But it’ll be something good, like money.
Not like, a finger.

‘Rezzie: That’s a lovely thing to say.

Mama raised us right.


ZezZee: hey love

Valancy Jane: Darling!
I was just talking about you earlier.
To the police.

ZezZee: oh
did they say nice things I hope?

Valancy Jane: Well, mostly they were impressed by your last getaway.

ZezZee: ah
it was specially for them

Valancy Jane: They say having the event catered was a nice touch. I imagine chasing you through a swamp left them pretty hungry.

ZezZee: its the little things that give us class