Category Archives: attention whore

In Pictures.

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When my friend Ezra first announced that they were going to make a movie about him, I immediately had questions.  A naked moviePlease?  Could I play his dog Putney?

A few months later, Ezra e-troduced me to the producer, David Oliver Cohen, who asked if I could meet him in LA to film an interview.  I’d be playing myself (but maybe Putney too, if she needed a stunt double) (HE REALLY SAID THAT) (which made me totally love him instantly), and talking about two of my most favoritest things, Ezra and the wonderful support system a person can find here on the interwebbies.

A subject I am waaaaaaaaaaay qualified to speak on.  *shy wave*

So I bought another of those train tickets, put on a dress that didn’t come from a clearence sale at a circus costume tent (for once) and even brushed my hair.

Oh and I googled the producer, to find out if this was gonna be a naked movie or not.  So I’d know whether to shave or not.

He’s totally nice.  And prolly not thrilled that the only picture I took of him was the one minute he paused to check his phone.  He’s not really one of those sort of people who are trying to look more important, he just actually happens to be.  Right there?  He’s checking in with the owner of the loft we would be filming in.  Which happened to be awesome and not just because a dog named Barney was there to do my hair and makeup.  But partly.

Right before filming, he pulled out a couple sheets of paper.  They were his FILE. ON. ME.  No one has ever had a file on me before.  (Well ….)  His notes were  even color coded.  Watching him consult them was like foreplay for me, I had to remind me that this was just the 9-5 daily grind for him.

*sigh*  I could get used to this, and y’all saying you knew me when ….

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I think you’ll see why it’s my new favorite restaurant.

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There’s this place called Iris, about a mile away from my house.  I’d been there before with Jesse and Bethany, and now I go there a lot, because I like the food, and because it’s close, and because I am precisely the sort of person who gets in a total rut is loyal.

Last night I told our waiter that he’d spoiled me on my birthday, and I would now expect all my deserts with a candle and singing.  He insisted he shouldn’t sing, but was there a song I’d like to hear played?  Something romantic, I said.  Sentimental.

So when he returned with my candlelit pudding, BoysIIMen was singing over the speakers.  Now that’s service.

Almost ready to drop the “In-” off of “famous.”

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Last sunday, in one day, I was mentioned in a sermon, and on the evening news, and neither was in a make my mother cry kind of way.

Jesse was working at his church, the Rock, when my sign was mentioned by the pastor.  To hear me mentioned in church without being prefaced with “mothers, lock up your sons!” is prolly one of his prouder moments.  He promptly called me.

I’d filmed a little interview with CBS and NBC while counterprotesting the WBC that morning at the Rock church, and several of my friends let me know that both networks used it.  A coworker told me she was surprised I was so calm on camera.

I guess she’s never really noticed what a raging attention whore I am.  The only part she should have been surprised about was that I didn’t hump the camera tripod.

Ten Year High School Reunion Pep Talk.

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Ok, VJ, you can do this.  You can go, without making it into some sort of performance art.  You’re not bringing your whole poly-family, or a paid male “escort.”  Or a paid female “escort.”  Go, behave, and don’t make this a forum for your twisted sense of humor.  You will not flash your boobs.  You will not tell your classmates that you are a drug mule.  Despite what your psychiatrist is coming to believe, you CAN behave for short stretches of time.  You can be civilized for one.  short.  evening.  (Especially if there’s a bar and there is, I checked.)

Your true, authentic self is …… probably shocking enough, anyway.

Muir Woods

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Little Nick – “Um, guys?”

Valancy Jane and Buckman – “Yes?”

Little Nick – “We’ve been on this trail for twenty minutes now.  And we’ve only made it 200 feet.  …………………… And ……. you’ve taken about a billion pictures.  Is this really a hike?”

Valancy Jane – “This is how the Facebook Queen hikes.”

Buckman – “AND how VJ hikes.”

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