One thing in these emails ISN’T a lie.

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The Emperor to Jesse

Oh, man. I haven’t been to a party that good since my days as a Rho Omicron Omicron, and even then, we never had a bounce house or a jello pit in the living room (my only suggestion on this is: switch to lime, orange made the dwarf look like an Oompa Loompa). I’d also like to apologize for breaking your glass, but you KNOW how excited I get when the Humpty Dance comes on. The more I think about it, the more excited I get that I was a part of it. Also, the more I think about it, the more questions I have. Did that girl ever put your sheets back? Did she ever remember where she left her clothes? I know we found her panties in the wine cabinet, I’d wear gloves when opening the merlot. I’d still like to know what Jessica and Steve were up to when they came out of the bathroom and there was a map of Delaware on his chest in lipstick.

OH! I hope your dryer’s ok! That was a brilliant plan, though, using it to shake up sodas for the SDSU boys who showed up. Communications? That’s not a major and everyone knows it. And were those the poi firedancers from Oceanside? My ex tried to do a research paper on them, but they continually flaked on us every time we’d show up. I can’t believe they only left a few singed plants when that one guy dropped his. I’d never seen Rebecca run that fast EVER. She was like a gazelle running from a lion, which is impressive when you consider how many people were there. Speaking of, what did the cops say? They seemed NONE TOO PLEASED when the male strippers came as cops. While the Hot Cops and the REAL cops were chatting, I was able to hit up the petting zoo. Let people know that the goat likes to bite. I supposed I’ll need a new tuxedo T-shirt, but that’s fine. It’s not surprising that your sister was bogarting the pony and I’ve never seen a piglet doing beer bongs. Effing epic. My roommates and I will always remember the Portofino Party.

The Derailleur to Jesse

Jesse,
Last night, between the batches of macaroni and cheese boiling over
(luckily, Matt brought his dog to clean up that mess) and the largest
joint ever made contest, I lost my toothbrush. It has soft purple
bristles and is pink with sparkles.
Thanks!
Da’Nae

Willow to Jesse

Hey Jesse,
Just wanted to say thanks for hosting such a rocking party last night.
My favorite part was the bearded lady. Not because of her beard but
because of the gobs of liquor she was able to down using just her
feet! Impressive! Let me know where you found her. I’d like to use her
at my next party.
Thanks!
B

My Homie in Marketing to Jesse

Dude! Kick-ass party last night. I have to say that when I walked in and saw the big sign saying “Donkey Raffle”, I had no idea what I was in store for. However, I had a fantastic time. I never thought that I could have that much fun in one of those bouncey houses, but I tell you what, never again will I drink and bounce. Not a good mix.
When my buddy and I were coming back in the cab (I left my car at your place, hope you don’t mind… we were a little drunk) he asked me who’s party it was again and then I realized that I’m not sure I saw you all night. I know I saw Sarah a couple of times, but not sure I ever said Hi to you, so I wanted to at least say thanks for the kick-ass party and you did a great job hosting it.
Next time though… I wouldn’t bring fire dancers. I thought that was a little much… and I doubt you’re going to get that burn mark to come out.
Thanks again, I’ll pick up my car today sometime.

Jonny Opinion to Jesse

Great party last night dude. Woke up this morning with a dildo in my ear – can’t tell you how long it’s been since that happened. That girl Melanie a friend of yours from work? She’s gotta be the sexiest one-eyed catholic topless trombonist in America. Man. Where the f**k you get an inflatable Obama anyway? On horseback as well lol! He’d make a great transvestite. Speaking of which, tried to upload some pictures I took from the bathroom sink onto flickr and facebook – both sites removed them within an hour – laying low in case they close either of my accounts. Oh and btw, I owe you one microwave, four blank CDs about 1/2 a liter of sunflower oil.
Later bro

Jadon to Jesse

Hello Jesse, hey thanks again if Sarah didn’t pass it on I guess you busy being a great host -Donkey raffle- ? Who would’ve thought?!?- That was worth wait’n for…. I needed to sober up anyways.
I was surprised the fire dancers could perform with in such close prox. to the crowd.
All do something MUCH smaller next month and your totally invited!!!
Cowboy

Jared to Jesse

Merry Christmas Jesse,
I just wanted to thank you again for your hospitality. I have to say, of all the Christmas Eve soirees I’ve attended, yours was, by far, the most spectacular! The fire-dancers out back were over the top, though I must admit I didn’t quite understand the bunny in the bathtub with a reindeer name. I’m so sorry I didn’t get a chance to meet you in person, I just couldn’t find you through the crowd. Either way, I’m sure you’re a hell of a guy extending invites to all your sisters friends like that!
I really hope the bouncy castle didn’t flatten the grass too much and if you need any suggestions for getting the wine stains out of the carpet, just let me know. I managed to convince them to keep the kegs in the garage, but you know how drunk girls can be with red wine… whoopsie!
You’re the best and I look forward to meeting you one day soon!!!
-Jared
PS. You can definitely count me in for the New Years Eve party your sister mentioned! Mud wrestling and jello shots… I LOVE it!!!

Ikey to Jesse

Thanks for hosting this wikked party last night. I’ll be by to pick up my second place winnings from the donkey raffle. I couldn’t get the box through the crowds, as you can well imagine. Cheers!
And HAPPY MUTHAFUCKIN CHRISTMAS!

Lisslo to Jesse

Jesse! That party was amazing last night. I can’t believe I didn’t see you once — I left at around 4 this morning when the cops were arresting the midget mud wrestlers who were dressed like Mr. and Mrs. Claus. Nice touch, by the way. Anyway, make sure you send me an invite to your next blowout, and I hope you’re having a Merry Christmas. I’m pretty sure I’m still tipsy from all of the eggnog!
Melissa (the one in the purple dress and jingle bell earrings)
P.S. Sorry about the lampshade. I really didn’t think the marbles would do that.

I guess you get the idea. I figure once Jesse gets home and finds out there wasn’t a home-trashing house party, he’ll be less pissed about the glass I broke.

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