It seems there is no task too simple that I can’t screw it up by making a joke of it.


The leasing office gave me a sheet of paper to turn in this week, noting any damage to the apartment that I find while moving in, to be compared against when I move out.

I figure this gives me two more days to predict every stupid thing I’m going to do in this apartment over the course of the next year, and pre-blame it on the previous tenant.

Here’s what I’ve got so far, and after that I’ll need your suggestions.

“Wine stain on main room rug.  Stain appears to spell out my name, which might seem suspicious, but remember it’s a common name.”

“There are markings in the shower suggesting that someone ran in it while holding a lit firecracker.  In their defense I would assume they were drunk.”

“Ceiling fan has two wobbly blades suggesting someone had some pretty interesting sex.  It also suggests, somehow, that they are HIGHLY ATTRACTIVE.”

“Arrow lodged in closet wall.  Some was prolly trying to kill a pincher bug.”

“Marks on kitchen floor as if the fridge was moved in front of the door during a water gun fight.”

Wallpaper has grown out of the walls.”

“Small patch of carpet pulled up to create a hiding place for love letters.  Ok, fine, this was me, but it was me in a previous life, and so if you’re going to charge me for this, it’s only fair you charge me the cost of repairs in 1954.”

“Vertical blinds were taken off one window, most likely to be used for stair skiing.  7 are broken.”

“Mailbox smells like forgotten apple.”

“Previous tenant has apparently learned the hard way that olive oil will loosen the color from the dots on a Twister Mat.  They really should mention that on the box.”

“Scorch mark on ceiling that can only have come from a semi-successful mini hot air balloon launch.”

“Hair dye splatter on the ceiling.  I’m not sure anyone, even the person who was there at the time, could explain that.”

“Bite mark on the doorframe.  Goodness, don’t you screen these people?”

“Several small hooks  at about waist height in main room, perhaps to hold up blankets for a bitchin’ blanket fort.”

“Smattering of pin holes in wall by door because bulletin boards are for the unimaginative, according to some.”

“Adhesive residue on carpet, as if some attempted to tape the outline of a sleeping cat.  Small blood stain adjacent.”


4 responses »

  1. I love you. And I have a few for you to add.

    “Two chinks in door frame on either side about shoulder height. Probably from a viking’s attire.”

    “Light fixture in living room broken on back side and turned in pathetic attempt to conceal. Likely due to numb chucks.”

    “Ceiling in kitchen scorched. No explanation, but I have two equally plausible theories: flamethrower sandwich competition or ex-boyfriend exorcism bonfire residue.”

  2. This reminds me why I love you so.

    “Gliiter. Everywhere. No, I mean it. EVERYWHERE!!”

    “Horse hoove shaped day-glo imprints in the closets. Coincidentally, this is also where the greatest amount of glitter happens to be.”

    “A scratching in the wall that says, “ANTONIO WAS HERE!”

    “Whenever I plug anything in, the scent of avacodo fills the room. Can things rot in outlets?”

    “I’m pretty sure the place is haunted and so whatever isn’t on my list now will be on it later but since the ghost was here before I moved in, nothing is my fault. I mean, you’re lucky you’re able to rent that unit at all. Do you offer a “brave break” in my rent?

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