An email from a man who, we later see, thinks he’s the Last Man on Earth.

Standard

His email subject line is “had to be done” and despite the tone that implies previous communication, this is the first contact.

well, i guess if i’m not messaging the person who has answered these questions at a high proportionality rate then I suppose i’m doing my job.

Hi, my names Jason, and I want to be your… …who says that?.. car dealers? …no…. I just thought of “Troy McClure” but thats not right… …nevermind..

So, your a stunky go-getter, ? ? I’m just going to write quickly and whatever comes out comes out. you like to write uh? have you tried your hand at short stroies, or do you have a journalistic slant, or …. romance? comedy?… I’ve tried to write a few times but it hasnt’ worked. I am bummed a bit because I’ll i do is daydream and I thought putting that down would ..show that my me-anderings?? would translate into something …cool, and then it was like, ..well, it was all in a vacuum so there are no… endgame… and then when…. (i’ll stop)

early 20th century fiction ..mmmm… nothing comes to mind on my end about that… uh… geez… is anything pre-war… what…. well let me start over and take you though the thought here… if your still reading then, i suppose i should thank you for your patience and apologize, but i’ve been bored today… spring break for the kids and all…

I got hammer (sort of) by this woman who was talking about Hemingway…I metioned him and i really think she did a few papers on him because she took it upon herself to bitch slap me with some indepth interpreations….particualrly focused on this “postwar” epoch ?… and with your comment there,, it seems like alot of great writers came in that post war era, vonnegutt, hemingway, Fitzgerald, Salinger, …. blah blah bla…do you care about this? I sort of do, sort of don’t. but if you like that early… do you like… it must be Jane Austin your referring to… is that right? well, anyway,, not sure how you would respond to this, but if you do, then kudos… and I’ll try to be more coherant next time.. if there is one…. have a merry .. night and…. mmmm… you don’t like actors, …. no… i think you were maybe referring to their delusions of grandeur… anyway… smell ya later

My response –

I’m going to assume you were drinking when you wrote this.

…lol… that… is..funny.

actually I was quite lucid. i was just bored was all.

I’m in an office today..all day..
you said you were a secretary… well i’m doing that..but it’s like a post-apocaliptic era.. nobody calls or comes in… it’s strange. i want stuff to do, but after a couple of hours by yourself, when someone does come around, i get a tad bit upset, like,”What does this guy want (deep sigh)? can’t he see I’ve been youtubing for hours and would rather not deslouch”.

Jane Austin…no? how about … is it Margaret Mead? (never can remember) who wrote Gone with the Wind.. it’s well written… beyond well written, but my goodness what an investment… it’s epic… i didn’t get to far along…

anyway, i don’t count your response as such, so your going to have to muster up something better then that… and if you think your too miss-thing for that, then i will aid and give a better prompt. : How do you feel about rainbows?

You’re not that great at picking up when a woman isn’t interested in you.

Best of luck out there, kid.


Wow, I’m sorry, I guess don’t know “women” ,I messaged back because I’m totally aware of the choppy sentence structure I decided to go with. you know I was just being a bit sarcastic and silly. Not sure what your looking for, or how you can judge so quickly, but, my only advise is you better get used to those cats lady. Not sure why you’re here if a person who seems to think similarly and discerns relational issue close to your views…. Well,, That’s the whole premise of the site I would probably like to chat to someone with a bit more thick skin, and for someone who fancies themselves a writer of sorts, I would think…. I don’t know, I would think they’d be more open to a bit of batter.

Maybe I’m here to see what sort of illiterate and arrogant emails I can draw in. In which case, it was nice doing business with you.

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12 responses »

  1. HOLY SHIT! First the Miss Thing insult and then the Cat Lady reference. What a prick! But as always, you handled it with wit, grace, and smarts!

  2. “I don’t know, I would think they’d be more open to a bit of batter.”

    1bat·ter
    Pronunciation: \ˈba-tər\
    Function: verb
    Etymology: Middle English bateren, probably frequentative of batten to bat, from bat
    Date: 14th century
    transitive verb
    1 a: to beat with successive blows so as to bruise, shatter, or demolish b: bombard
    2: to subject to strong, overwhelming, or repeated attack
    3: to wear or damage by hard usage or blows
    intransitive verb
    : to strike heavily and repeatedly : beat

    I THINK IN YOUR RESPONSES, HE GOT EXACTLY WHAT HE WAS LOOKING FOR!

  3. Hey, I’m not the spell check police. But good Lord, I get way to many emails to deal with a man who finds it SHOCKING I’m not interested. Was just trying to save us both some time.

  4. The last time I wrote anything like that, I was, in fact, drinking. However, I didn’t use as many periods.

    “Sarcastic” and “silly” don’t come across well in introduction emails, I’ve noticed.

  5. While I’ve never feared that you need to hear this, I feel compelled to share a line a friend recently told my best friend (whose ex is trying to tell her that she, “isn’t young anymore” and he was, “her last chance for happiness”)
    “You know, I’m pretty sure that [name of ex] is not the last boat out of China. And, if he were, I think you’d be better off in China.”
    It is frightening how many people think that a bad fit is better than no fit.

  6. And I don’t mean to sound like a snot but he’s hardly the only man emailing me. Within a week I was getting warnings about my inbox size, and my computer once crashed from all the IM’s when I logged in.

    I hardly think I’m in danger of ending up in China.

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