“What I get.”

Standard

OneSidedDice:Hi Jane, how’re you doing this morning?

ValancyJane:Feeling popular. I’ve been on this site a matter of minutes, and only uploaded a few pictures.

OneSidedDice:Well, that’s what you get for being attractive and female

ValancyJane:Can I finish up and we’ll chat another time maybe?

OneSidedDice:But then I won’t have any company, I’ll be forlorn

ValancyJane:You have the whole rest of the site.
And the world at your fingertips.

OneSidedDice:The world is my keyboard?

ValancyJane:As I said to my dog this morning at the dog park, Go! Shoo. You know, in the nice way.

OneSidedDice:Oh, okay.
I thought you were telling me to have a bowel movement
Your version makes more sense

ValancyJane:*laughs*
Have a lovely day.

OneSidedDice:I will try, but it may prove impossible without you
Nice getting to talk with you

ValancyJane:I might be more inclined to believe you if I’d written anything on my profile yet.
*smiles*
Scram, kid. ‘Nother time, maybe.

OneSidedDice:More than maybe, I hope
Anyway, even if you haven’t written anything on your profile, you’re still fun to talk with so far

ValancyJane:The future is uncertain, and ain’t that glorious?
Bye.

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84 responses »

  1. “Joyous, authentic and charming.” I love it. If I were in the right demographic I would be in line to take you out to dinner in your new dress. Or maybe not. I seek fellow easily amused wanna-be-writer seekers of joy, but I might want to corner the smiley-quirky in the relationship. My husband is plenty good natured, plenty silly, and has a boatload of quirks, but, you know, he isn’t like us. He doesn’t dance. People don’t ask him what the secret wonder he has making him smile. His friends are surprised to find out that he has a large stuffed (toy, not taxidermy) rodent collection or that he makes up words for everything. You and me: nobody is surprised.
    Anyway, go be popular and meet people you want to spend time with.

  2. My husband IS charming, but you probably wouldn’t pick up that on first meeting. Unlike you and me, he comes across as staid and professional, and people get to think that I’m the whacky one in the relationship. I’m afraid I love that and would have a hard time with you who can out glitter me any day (and I have glitter, not just as much. I’ve stood on things, just not as often). So I’m hoping you meet someone like my husband, rather than like me– someone who is also joyous and authenitic, but doesn’t compete on the quirky side.

    I met him, by the way, through internet dating.

  3. “Glitter is the herpes of craft supplies” – Demtri Martin.

    If only I had as much interest as all the spam email would lead me to believe.

    “Hello, I am Natasha, I am Russia, 21 and want to make your dreams actual.”
    or
    “I saw your ad on Craigslist and would love to meet your meat.”

    Now, the only ads I’ve put up on Craigslist were for selling a mini-fridge and a Nintendo DS I took from the lost and found at work. I just came off like a real winner, huh?

  4. ok cupid is the scariest place on earth. i have been on a good number of incredibly mediocre dates from there, a few AWFUL ones, and no good ones.

    i’ve also seen a good deal of unsolicited peen.

  5. While I have not sent unsolicited peen, I have gone on mediocre dates where I can’t wait to get away from someone who later says “I can’t stop thinking about the connection we had.”

    Yes, we both scored over 100 on our second game of bowling, fantastic. We were meant to be, obviously.

  6. I am not interested in the final outcome of the game, as i firmly believe that the only exceptional bowlers are those 70+ in age.

    I also firmly believe that the Bowling Alley is the most underrated social-gathering location there is. At least the one by my house has a “snack bar” that has more menu items than In N Out, a bar with a solid variety of booze, karaoke nights, a multitude of pool tables, an arcade, the actual bowling lanes and seats set up in a way that they can only be specifically for people watching.

  7. You’re welcome to come up, it’ll be a blast. Though I think there’s now a lot of pressure to be mediocre and/or shoot over unsolicted shots of body parts. I don’t know if I can live up to that.

  8. You know what, I got from Mira Mesa to home in like an hour and 10 minutes, and that was going a long way. 116 miles from me to you. At 80MPH, that’s an hour and a half.

  9. Maybe we can help you screen your dates. That could be fun. Make them answer questions hurled in their direction to our satisfaction.

    ps. I was unaware it was a dating site before but I see the potential now.

  10. This is a starter list.

    What is your best vegetarian recipe?
    Do you enjoy shopping for craft supplies?
    Have you ever almost been or have been arrested for being too silly in public?
    Do you have allergies to any type of animal?
    Do you like to dance in places such as the grocery store?

  11. The allergies questions ranks much higher. I am a pet person and I always will be. Someone with allergies has to be willing to take meds for it if they want to be with me. I hate to put it so bluntly, but it’s just a reality. It’s no use hanging around until my pets eventually die off, either, because I will just go get another. I do pets. It’s my thing. That has to be ok with you.

    I don’t require that they be a vegetarian, but yes, it would be nice if they were capable of cooking me something other than a grilled cheese sandwich on occasion.

    He doesn’t have to come craft supply shopping with me either. That would be nice, but I have the gals for that, and I’m more concerned about acquiring a man with a full set of testicles.

    The other two are very excellent questions.

  12. What is your best vegetarian recipe?
    – I know tons of veggie recipes, from multitudes of salads to pancakes to eggplant dips. My best is probably my chilli. I base this on how fast it goes away when I make it. My roommates still owe me supplies for a new batch:

    3 large cans of red kidney beans or one bag of rehydrated beans
    1 large can of pinto beans
    1 large can of black beans
    1 white onion – chopped
    1 red bell pepper – chopped
    2 roma tomatoes – chopped
    1 can of tomato sauce
    3 small cans of El Pato spicy tomato sauce
    3 cloves of garlic
    Spices and seasonings: Paprika, Salt, Pepper, cumin, brown sugar

    Cook that in a crock pot for 6 hours on low. Awesome.

    Do you enjoy shopping for craft supplies?
    -Yes, I do a lot of paintings in acrylic on canvas boards, but the one craft supply I despise is pompoms. I hate the way the feel.

    Have you ever almost been or have been arrested for being too silly in public?
    -If by silly, you mean filming my friend dressed as a zombie coming out of a public pond for a movie entitled “Attack of the Ninja Zombies 3,” then yes. Also, we got a 6/10 on the Zombie Movie Database, the ZMDB.

    Do you have allergies to any type of animal?
    Rats and Guinea Pigs, though it really just means I had to wash my hands after playing with them and pop an Allegra. I’ve had two GPs and five rats. ‘

    Do you like to dance in places such as the grocery store?
    Sometimes I dance, normally I bust out weird songs like “All By Myself” or last night was Stevie Wonder’s Ebony and Ivory.

    Alright, Todd, let the judgement begin.

  13. I tried to ask questions that would be good for VJ. I guess I did ok with them but I like The Emperors answers. What about everyone else?

    VJ I asked the veggie question because I am not one but I have lived with them before. It is a very good thing to be able to cook vegetarian if you are going to hang out with them. My best is veggie tacos because you can have meat tacos and veggie tacos at the same time.

    The craft supplies question should have been “Could you act like you enjoy looking at craft supplies?” But testicles are much more important for a guy to have.

  14. Okay, I’m pro Emperor, but, what the hell? I thought you were already wanting to marry Amber and Todd (possibly the same person) Colsy, Twinkie, Twinnie, Rezzie, Aurora, several others I’m momentarily forgetting and me. If you’re leaving us for something that has testicles, I think it’s only fair that we have some say in who we get dumped for.

  15. Well, at least their pro-me. That’s an oft-forgotten lobby. Sure, you have the pro-lifers and the pro-choicers, but what about the Pro-Emperors? Who will stand up for them? I will.

  16. I am just now coming into this conversation and I gotta say, I approve of this conversation.

    My questions for The Emp:

    1.) Can I call you The Emp?
    2.) Do you know Veaj in real life?
    3.) How did you find her blog?
    4.) You do realize that if you date Veaj, you date us all, right? And by us all, I mean lots and lots of us.
    5.) You don’t mind a strong, independant woman, do you? Because that is what Veaj is. Also, she has a huge heart and you have to know how to treat her the way a real lady deserves to be treated. By this I mean, take her out to nice places and listen but mostly, be willing to crank call on her behalf and pretend to be a robot while in public with her.

  17. 1.) Can I call you The Emp?
    Yes.

    2.) Do you know Veaj in real life?
    No. All my interactions with her have been firmly in the fantactic, imaginary and supernatural, or with their powers combined, the internet, which is the Captain Planet of the afformentioned words.

    3.) How did you find her blog?
    Through the afforementioned dating site. I went with the 3rd grade approach at telling a girl she’s cute. Tell her she’s cute and run away.

    4.) You do realize that if you date Veaj, you date us all, right? And by us all, I mean lots and lots of us.
    I’ll try to be there for all of you. But I am NOT paying for dinner for everyone. We can go dutch.

    5.) You don’t mind a strong, independant woman, do you? Because that is what Veaj is. Also, she has a huge heart and you have to know how to treat her the way a real lady deserves to be treated. By this I mean, take her out to nice places and listen but mostly, be willing to crank call on her behalf and pretend to be a robot while in public with her.
    These all sound like reasons to be interested, honestly. I was planning on pretending to be a dinosaur, but robots are just as good. Maybe a robotic dinosaur. I’m going to demand she calls me Emperor Grimlock from now on. You. too. EmpGrim for short.

  18. I haven’t thought of any questions. I’m still Pro EmpGrim* and Todd, if you really are the same as Amber (didn’t I read that a while back?) you may not have testicles (although of course Amber-Todd has balls).
    *I was about to warn you (VJ) about making dating a great conversation piece for your friends (my foray into internet dating was the big game in my lab until suddenly I really liked the man who is now my husband and I didn’t want him to be the subject of idle chat and tons of overanalysis by crazy biologist who might someday meet him [first party I invited him to was terribly awkward, as everyone knew the existence of him, and he not them]) but then I realized that you are used to pretty much all of your life being an on-line conversation piece for your friends, so this shouldn’t be all that different.

  19. Dear EmpGrim,

    1.) I like that better then The Emp. But I will probably just call you Oscar. Does this make you nervous?

    2.) Can you show proof that you are not psychotic and or a mass murderer? A letter from your third grade teacher is acceptable.

    3.) Did you pull her ponytail before you ran away?

    4.) I appreciate that and with this economy, I can’t say I blame you. Do you like roast beef?

    5.)Pirates are acceptable as well. Can you talk like a Pirate?

  20. S.S. I love you! I am not Todd, Todd just wants to be me! (You did read that a while back when Todd totally cribbed my words!)

    Todd- Just kidding! I know you do not want to be me and have a vagina but rather enjoy your balls!

  21. Dear EmpGrim,

    1.) I like that better then The Emp. But I will probably just call you Oscar. Does this make you nervous?
    No. It does make me concerned that you think of me naked and painted gold.

    2.) Can you show proof that you are not psychotic and or a mass murderer? A letter from your third grade teacher is acceptable.
    I can show that I have been invited to be in a wedding, which is not where most people put their psychotic friends. Though, now that I think of it, any examples of my friends I would offer would show them to be psychotic, and thus I would look less psychotic. Ms. Lorden (my third grade teacher) would be OK with me, I ended up coaching her kid in AYSO soccer. I was also a little league batting coach and a sunday school teacher. No children were harmed… seriously.

    3.) Did you pull her ponytail before you ran away?
    I thought about punching her in the arm, but as the arm was on my screen, I decided against losing my laptop in the name of misguided romance.

    4.) I appreciate that and with this economy, I can’t say I blame you. Do you like roast beef? If this is a straight-forward question… yes. I am an omnivore. If this is some kind of perverted question and/or inside joke… yes?

    5.)Pirates are acceptable as well. Can you talk like a Pirate?
    I assume Pirates just say everything like they are taking an epic dump. Or, they just yell all the time. In which case my mom is a pirate.

    Bonus question – Why do we keep doing this?
    Because I have no shame, and I figure I’d get the whole gang to come to a consensus before hand to save us all the grief later. And if you have a scroll wheel, click it and move the mouse down. It saves time and effort.

  22. Veaj, I can’t speak for you but any man willing to answer 100 insane questions (and does so with humor) from your friends might be worth getting to know. At least over e-mail.

  23. You don’t but it’s seen in a favorable light around here. But then again, your Mom’s a pirate, so I won’t disagree with you!

    Veaj, are you going to bring me the violin you borrowed when we met at the Blood bank tomorrow?

  24. 1 – Fair enough
    2 – I have long thought my mom a Pirate. She is surly and burly, and often threatens to kick my father’s ass for talking shit. She has once tried to run me over with a car, and then scorned me when I jumped onto it rather than get ran over.
    3 – They shouldn’t call it a blood bank if you can’t get blood out.

  25. Well, then I need to warn you that it’s haunted by a ghost. A friendly one that will play “Go Fish” with you on rainy nights. Lenny’s dead? I thought Zola said, “Lennys in bed!” No wonder she gets mad that I keep calling and asking to speak to him. That offer she made to buy me a Ouija board makes so much more sense now. You know, my ears haven’t been the same since we went on tour.

  26. Well, that’s what happens when I have to make promises to the likes of Don Guilliamo in order to save you from a future as a Mafia Wife.

  27. Helmet, schmelmet. The way to go is to put lighter fluid on the arm of your jacket, walk in to where your mom is watching her soaps, light it and start calmy asking if she knows anything about spontaneous human combustion.

  28. Todd: Amber/vile is already married to a scientist, you don’t need to wait a few months.
    Amber/vile I know you’re not Todd, but you told me you were Todd and I believe everything you say.
    VJ, while I’m a little afraid of any guy willing to put up with this, I am greatly intrigued by this man and his mother. Waiting to learn more.
    Have a great vacation

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