Pregnancy is weird.

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I wouldn’t say unpleasant, though. For me, anyway. Every woman’s experience is a bit different, it seems. And for me the fascination with the process far outweighs the fact that I could get a package to Thailand in fewer days than I can get a meal through my intestines now.

In words that I’m certain I’ll laugh hysterically at if the nausea gets worse, I have to admit that every time I feel that sudden drop of my stomach (along with all the blood in my face), I feel a bit of relief. I’m feeling the way pregnant women do. I’m doing it right.

Of course it’s easy to say that my pregnancy is pleasant when the symptoms have been rather light for me. Ask me again when I’m huge, in the summer heat, and I might have a less enthusiastic attitude.

My breasts aren’t so much growing as they are uniting for world domination. You know that scene in the movie The Birds where they look out to the playground and there’s like two birds on the playground equipment, they look away, then look right back and there are now like three hundred birds? That’s how I feel every time I look down. I hear ominous music. If I look down to catch one of my breasts clutching a shrub, a la Wile E. Coyote when he sneaks up on the roadrunner, I’m calling the police. I can’t help but feel that they’re coming for my face.

Food now dominates my day. Dooce wasn’t kidding about food tasting better. Certain foods I’ve always loved are now VERBOTEN! but as if to make it up to me, pregnancy has made everything else taste like it’s making love to my tongue.

Brady asked me how the zoo was, and I recounted what I ate. Soft pretzels from the zoo are heavenly, by the way. I’m glad Jesse and Bethany gave me a yearly pass to the zoo (YAY!) otherwise this craving could really pricey.

Mushrooms are now out. So completely and utter out of the question that I managed to yack them all over Jesse’s bathroom. The grand debut of my morning sickness, to be specific.

At first coffee was my familiar love, and cutting back to a half cup felt like torture. Suddenly, and perhaps quite logically, it was out. See, my beloved Chi Chocolate closed it doors (He’ll now be focusing on the catering half of his business, more money, better hours, we’re trying to be happy for him.) and I was stuck with drinking Starbucks. Right about then, coffee suddenly became a bad, bad thing. Apparently my baby feels passionate about supporting small business? Good baby.

I can’t accuse my kid of having the most sophisticated taste, though. Nachos haunt my dreams, I can’t remember the last day I didn’t cave and have an order of fries, with mustard. Classic yellow mustard that is. None of my former beloved dijon, no whole grain, no honey mustard. I’m trying to head off the nachoNEED with cheddar flavored rice cakes, and fortunately I’m also craving some not so awful things like cheerios. Have you ever noticed that cheerios (no sugar, extra milk) are the best thing ever? No? They are. Also peaches, and frozen yogurt. Veggie rolls, edamame and rice. Avocado remains my friend.

Cheese is now accepted only on a case by case, minute by minute basis. The only sure bet is ….. nacho cheese. *resigned sigh* Oh baby. I have so much to teach you about the wonders of cheese. You’ll see.

Fatigue has certainly set in. It and the Boobs of Doom were my first clues I was pregnant, actually. But it’s not a painful sort of tired, more like a pleasantly medicated feeling.

Did you know that pregnancy can make your nose wider? And I swear my feet are SMALLER. I’m swimming around in my own shoes all of a sudden.

Now if ya’ll will excuse me, I’m off to eat my own body weight.

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18 responses »

  1. Cheerios rock. I should mention that from my experience of having several women go through pregnancy around me (no, none were mine), I know that the foot thing won’t last. Your feet are gonna swell up like balloons. On a side note, wait till you discover elastic pants (you’ll think they were the best things ever invented).

  2. “Cheese is now accepted only on a case by case, minute by minute basis.”

    Am a little sad for you, in my mouth, on the tastebuds.

    But I’m somehow sure the gloriousness of Nachos + Nacho Cheese can not be overstated.

  3. hilarious…everything seems about right. I didn’t have any nausea at all but food cravings were ridiculous. I put green olives on my fingers (after sucking the pimento out) and then dipped them in cool whip. I wouldn’t recommend it–but I thought it was divine.

  4. Homie, don’t lie. You know that you are Kelly are secretly breeding a new generation of marketing interns, in a lab under the annex building.

    Therese – I’m sad for me, but fortunately, sadness tastes good. It’s the salt of the tears or something.

    Melina – Wow. Haven’t tried it, but I think I will.

  5. Wh… Why for you call me “Therese”? It’s startling. It’d be like my suddenly starting to call you Sarah. Is this a sign that I should try to call you Sarah, Veaj?

  6. I felt the same as you when it came to all the little signs wether unpleasant or not. GOOD. That means the baby is fine!! I would say as I was throwing up my insides.

  7. Have your boobs of doom passed? At 10 weeks, mine feel giant but they haven’t ached constantly in two weeks, and I’m hopeful.

  8. Is there anyone touching those tender boobs?? I only ask because John would MAN HANDLE them as if they were in their normal state and could handle such fondling. Honestly, at one point of “foreplay” or whatever, I stopped what I was doing and punched John in the arm because whatever he was doing was hurting the ol’ boobies.

  9. I LOVED being pregnant VJ and I love watching all my friends go through their own experiences too! I was lucky that I never had morning sickness but yeah, the boobies of doom happened to me too. Only I was so happy to finally have boobies that the pain and tenderness were worth it. I basically said this throughout my whole pregnancy: “Move over A cup now there’s something juicier!”

    Anyhow, thanks for sharing your experience! I love hearing about it!

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