Jonny’s Christmas Questionnaire


1. New scientific advances prove that not only is Santa Claus real, but he’s going to smash your face in. How do you respond, and why?  I do what every grown up, responsible woman does.  I would call my big brother.
2. Would you mind working on Christmas Day?  Hmmm.  Can I bring my cats and bunny?
3. If you missed the Queen’s speech, would you feel a little bit dirty?  Yes.  Not because I missed her speech, but because I always feel a bit dirty. 
4. What if all the turkeys in the world committed suicide tonight?  I would be sad.  Think of all the turkey friends I would lose. 
5. Would you have fish and chips for Christmas dinner, and if so, would that be a disappointment?  Yes, because I don’t eat fish, or any other animal.  I LOVE “chips,” however.  “Chips” covered in nacho cheese sauce, I can’t think of anything more festive.
6. Is Christmas a disappointment?  No.  Perhaps because of low expectations?
7. What’s the last thing you remember?    The alien abduction.
8. Have you ever kicked someone in the bollocks just for coming into the room and bellowing, “ho ho ho!” ?  Only if it wasn’t at Christmastime.  Nobody calls me a ho.   Except at Christmas.
9. What’s the worst Christmas present you’ve ever had?  A phone call.
10. What’s funny?  Me, motherfucker.
11. At what age did you stop climbing into bed with your Mum and Dad in the morning because you were up before they were and wanted your breakfast NOW?  Farther back than I can remember.  I cooked for myself mostly, anyhow.
12. What has this got to do with Christmas?  If there was someone in my life who had my bed access and was willing to make me breakfast, that would be like Christmas for me?
13. Are you superstitious?  I always say catagorically no, but that’s a lie.  I just have my own susperstistions.
14. Are you super?  Hell yes, bitch.
15. Are you supper?  If you’re lucky.
16. Silence or violence?  Silence.  Totally underrated.
17. Art or porn?  Yes, please.
18. Think of a number, any number. Multiply it by two. Was that fun?  Don’t make me answer that. 
19. How’s your dad?  Dunno.  Don’t care.  More importantly, how’s yours?  Is he rich?
20. Are you any good at origami?  Funny you should ask. 
21. Would you like to be more generous?  If I could pick just one thing to be more of, that would be it. 
22. Are you generally satisfied with your physical appearance?  Yes.  Of course.  Aren’t you?  Satisfied with mine, I mean.  What more could you want?  More nudity?  Fair enough.
23. What’s the weather like up there?  I’ll let you know when I grow up.
24. Do you wish you could soar gracefully over mountains and cities, unaided by magic or machine?  If I could pick just one thing …. oh wait.  If I could pick just two things …….
25. Have you ever cast a spell on anyone?  Lots of times.  I mean ……. uh.  Never on you, though.  You love me of your own free will.
26. I put a spell on you, coz you’re mine. Sorry. Can we still be friends?  Is that why my boobs are bigger?  Good call.  Of course we can.
27. If an acquaintance or colleague became an eagle, would you feel jealous, or smug?  Jealous.  Until they had to eat raw snake or something.
28. Does Scientology annoy you enough to do anything about it?  Very few things that annoy me annoy me that much.
29. Do you like Carry On films?  In lieu of any evidence to the contrary (like knowing what those are), I’ll say yes.
30. Are you nervous?  Almost never.
31. If you asked me what I wanted for Christmas and I said I didn’t want anything, would you still get me something?  I would get someone something.  Prolly a bum, and prolly booze.  I expect you’d approve.
32. How’s your mum?  Which one?  Bunny?  Beautiful as ever.  Rose?  Beautiful as ever.
33. Have you ever worn underwear?  Sadly, often.  Try not to hold this against me.
34. Do you like stilton?  I don’t know, I only suspect thats a type of cheese, and I catagorically like cheese.  So ……….. yes?
35. Do you wear flip flops much?  It’s SoCal, dude. 
36. What exactly is a sandwich?  A glimpse of heaven, if made properly.
37. Is there any dental floss in your house?  Of course.  Had to use something for the tripwires.
38. Have you ever cut your own hair?  Not after Buffy made me swear I never would again…
39. Do you understand?  Yes.
40. Did you enjoy answering these questions?  Yes, but hey, I’m obviously drunk.


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