Monthly Archives: February 2008

That door has always had a tendency to stick.


Valancy Jane – *locks up a bit early*  *about to leave*

Coworker R – *returns from a break*  *tugs on the door*

Door – *rattles* 

Coworker R – *gives a might tug*

Door – “BOOM”  *opens*

Valancy Jane – “Mary, mother of GOD, [Coworker R].”

Coworker R – “Sorry, that was loud.”

Valancy Jane – “No, that door was LOCKED.”

Another important service that I offer.


That headline looks dirty in hindsight.  *shrugs*

Anyway, it’s a busy world out there, and we don’t always have time for the things we want to do.  Some of you are busy on Weds. nights, some of you have other shows to watch, and some of you have to maintain that pretense that you don’t want to watch America’s Next Top Model.

I am here for you all.

I will watch the show for you, with the intensity of several people all at once.

I will handle it all.  I’ll tell you anything you need to know, including who you are rooting for.  Which is Claire.


So, you’re welcome.

Ask Miss VJ!


*walks into her bedroom suite in an English riding outfit, complete with riding crop and tousled hair* 

*finds a letter on the foot of her bed*

Dear Miss VJ,
I come to you for help because I am desperate—desperate for a good night’s sleep.
You see, Miss VJ, I work long hours and must wake up terribly early to do so.  And you see, Miss VJ, my upstairs neighbors, they… they…
They have a squeaky bed.  A squeaky bed that is too close to the wall.
While I respect their right to do as they please in their own home, I can’t sleep, and this affects my work and my life.
How do I honestly and diplomatically request that they take measures to respect others’ right to a quiet night of sleep?  What’s a girl to do? 
(They also have a toddler that runs thumping about at all hours of the night.)
Insomniacally yours,

Oh darling.  *addressing the camera*  (Yes, there’s a camera now.  Just go with it.)

I too have lived next to a very loving couple.  I too have lain awake, questioning my own principles, which demanded that I be happy that there was more love and *ahem* affection being spread around.  In my experience, there are three types of ways of dealing with this, the first two of which I imagine you’ve already tried.

There’s trying not to hear it.  I.e., earplugs, or a leaving a can of WD-40 and a feather in their mailbox with a saucy but neighborly note.

There’s trying not to care.  I.e., valium, or a lover of your own.

And lastly, there is trying to subtly undermine and erode their sex life, i.e., giving the toddler a lock picking kit, giving the toddler a cold, or playing a combination of sex noises and sheep noises in your bedroom everytime you hear them gettin’ it on.

I hope any of these ideas help you, darling.

Now if you’ll excuse me, I’m going back down to the stable.   I’ve been having so much fun down there, I’m thinking about actually getting a horse.

*pulls a bit of straw out of her hair and laughingly blows it at the camera*

Like church, and jail.


Chemist – “Ok, hun, almost done, just a few more vials and we’ve got enough of your blood.”

Valancy Jane – “Sweet.  I haven’t made $40 on my lunch hour this easily since back when I was a hooker.”

Chemist – *nearly sticks herself with the needle*

Bethany – “She’s kidding!”

Valancy Jane – “Oh, right, this is one of those ‘no hooker jokes’ places, isn’t it?