Monthly Archives: November 2007

“Oh, I understand my options here, sir. It appears they are to take it in the ass or take it in the ear. I guess I was naively hoping there would be a third option.”

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I’m locked in an epic battle with UPS.

There appears to be some confusion about exactly the nature of the service we paid for.  They seem to think that “Next Day Delivery” is a service package that includes up to and possibly more than five days of babysitting it, lying about it’s location, driving it around parts of town I don’t live in, phone numbers that don’t work, MASSIVE AMOUNTS OF ATTITUDE including such lines as “what do you expect lady?  You want us to drive it to you?” (yes he really said that), and an attempt at delivery that only netted them letting the dog out of the BACK YARD to run loose through the streets.

I guess I didn’t read the fine print, ’cause I thought it meant, you know, delivery, within a day or so.

“Free pie!”

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Years ago, as kids, Jesse and I were at a carnival or fair of some sort, and we paused to watch a pie eating contest.  The announcer said that one contestant had dropped out and that they needed someone to compete right then.  Jesse’s hand shot up.

I have to admit I was a little surprised.  Jesse’s fun and a good sport and all, but not the sort to give himself a stomachache without a really good reason.  Jesse whispered, “Free pie!”

The announcer waved him up and Jesse took his seat on the end of the row.  He looked very calm.

They blew the whistle and all the kids went face first into their pies.  Except Jesse.  He calmly unrolled a napkin, tucked it into his collar,  picked up a knife and fork, carefully cut the pie into wedges, studied it for a second, rotated the pie to the pie he apparently wanted to start with, then finally took a bite.

As you may have guessed, Jesse did not win the contest.  Neither did the kid next to him, who despite starting strong obviously became distracted, staring at Jesse inbetween gulps, as Jesse sat there, doing Emily Post proud with his table manners.

But at the end, he walked off the stage looking dejected.  He sighed and shrugged when he got back over to me.

“Wasn’t very good pie.”

It prevents heart disease?

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The Retropolitan: Sometimes I wish alcohol were an occupation.
Then I’d be able to concentrate my attention on other things in my free time, like filing papers and dealing with customers.

Valancy Jane: Oh totally.
If I could live the rest of my life halfway into a bottle of red wine, that would be awesome.

The Retropolitan: THERE MUST BE A WAY

Valancy Jane: Well, I think there IS a way, what I need is an EXCUSE.