Monthly Archives: May 2007

He knows my pain.

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Valancy Jane – “Would you like a ThermaCare HeatWrap*?”

My Homie in Sales – “Where can I put it?  Where can’t I put it?”

Valancy Jane – “I don’t judge.”

*Yes.  Yes, I am mentioning them a lot because they are WONDERFUL, and maybe they’ll offer me a spokesperson deal.  Will work for HeatWraps!

Once every Blue Moon, I rip my shirt off in a Sombrero’s drive-thru.

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See, I felt a sharp stab in my chest, and when I stuck my hand down to investigate I found ……… *shudders*  a PINCHER BUG.  I think it fell from the flowers in my hair, I have GOT to start checking them more closely first.  (See also, the Snail Incident of  ’03.  *shudder*)  Now normally I don’t get squeamish or squealy about bugs, for example there’s a bouncy-ball sized black widow spider in the door frame of my back door, that I let alone because I figure she’s as good as a watch dog.  But when I was a kid, someone told me that pincher bugs would crawl in your ears and eat your brain and even though I have of course figured out that’s not true, I never got over it.  And the fact that they just WON’T die the first time you squish them lends them a eerie, zombie-esque quality.

In short, PINCHER BUGS ARE NOT.  OK.

So naturally I ripped my shirt off, to make sure he was gone, and alone.

And that’s when the cashier handed me my rolled tacos. 

He tried to hand me my change too, but I was running out of hands, trying to take my food, stay decent, and make my getaway, so I told him to keep it for the tip jar.

He said, fervently, “THANK YOU.”

I’m not sure how to take that, really.

“I think I need to wear protective gear to bed. Wait. That’s not what I meant. Lemme start over.”

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I’m the only person I know who could injure myself in my sleep. 

I have no idea what happened, but when I woke up this morning, my neck didn’t …….. work.  It no longer did neck-like things.  Like ………… bend.

A ThermaCare heat wrap, and a vicodin left over from ……. hm …… I’m not sure ……… well anyway, a vicodin I found in my purse have given me back some of my mobility.  But this isn’t fun.

On the upside, when I went to the store for the heat wraps, I ran into a stray balloon in the parking lot.  I took it as a sign of …………… well, at any rate, I took it.

The Redneck Show, now with an afternoon Matinee!

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Which, as my cousin Jordan pointed out, looks similar to the word “manitee,” which would be totally cooler, but c’est la vie. 

To celebrate the birth of their new baby, the neighbors have imported several members of their respective families, in large trailers, in the yard.  This influx lends our yard (more of) a circus-like quality. 

But with that many rednecks so close by, it brings out the hippie in me.  Just to sorta counter balance.  I keep getting the urge to do my yoga on the roof, or paint flowers on my face and do an interpretive dance, about bringing the troops home. 

Maybe I just need a good sound effects CD. 

I love you all, please keep up the strange mail.  The acceptance letter for Mau and Dulce to The BellyDance School for Cats was perfectly timed, arriving just as they did.  I think I’m going to mail myself something from The Black Bear Cub Adoptions – Applications Dept.