I think some of you guys know that my boyfriend Nick suffers from periodic bouts of depression. He has yet to find a medication that works for him, so he’s having to learn to manage it in other ways.
When he’s having a bad day, I feel awful watching it, and it shows all over my face. And since we live together, carpool together and hang out together like, ALL the time, because most of my friends are all on the internet, most of his are all in Wisconsin, (and frankly we like each other best anyway) there really isn’t any space to retreat.
He feels depressed, I feel sad, he feels guilty that he’s made me sad, he gets more depressed, I get sadder, he feels more guilty and tries to hide, I can tell he wants to hide and feel even worse that I can’t do anything to help ………. you can see the spiral.
And this spiral is sucking all the closeness our of relationship, which, otherwise, is a beautiful thing.
I love that boy so goddamn much, and I know he loves me too.
We laugh so much, when he’s feeling like himself.
I can’t picture my life without him, not for a second.
And so this weekend we talked and talked and cried and cuddled and talked and talked and talked and talked and …. packed up his things.
Nick will be moving out this week, to a roommate situation close to work.
And really, it’s ok.
I mean, I hate this, but the way things were going, it was doomed, and I’m not sure even our friendship would have survived another year of this. Nick needs to have the space, literally, to hide when he’s not doing well, and focus on himself, without the added pressure of me and my feelings.
I know for a fact our friendship will be better than ever, and our relationship has a fighting chance. We’re not breaking up, per se, or staying together, exactly. We’re just taking the focus off of it. Nick and I understand very well where we are at, and we agree, we’re just having a hard time finding a label for it. Not that we’re wasting much time trying to find that label.
After this weekend, Nick and I are closer than ever.
I think Weds, moving day, will be hard, but for the first time in a long time, I feel optimistic about us.