Valancy Jane

Say you happen to be at the drive in movies.

Say you happen to be watching 10,000 BC for the second time, because it just happens to be the double feature with Drillbit Taylor. 

What?

The other option was worse, ok?

The other option was the double feature of Horton Hears A Who with Alvin and the Chipmunks.

And admit, if nobody was going to catch you at it, you’d watch Drillbit Taylor too.

But say you’re watching 10,000 BC for the second time and had almost run out of ways to make fun of it.

That’s when you hit the radio dial so that now you’ll listening to the audio track from Alvin and the Chipmunks.  While watching 10,000 BC.

Would you be surprised if I said they really sync up?

‘Cause they do. 

As if they were meant to be watched like that, as a MUCH BETTER MOVIE.

We laughed until we were about to throw up.  Or fall out of the car.  Or both.

Halfway through trying to recap the plot of Memoirs of Geisha to someone who wanted to see it, I realized I was mixing it up with Crouching Tiger, Hidden Dragon.

And then a few seconds later I realized that a mash up of the two would be a FANTASTIC movie.

….. “See, Jesse, the only bad thing about this movie (Love Actually) is the wedding scene with the choir.  Because when you watch it, you will have the same reaction everyone has, which is to think it’s so cool, and wish that someone had or will do it at your wedding.  And because everyone feels that way, for the rest of your life, every wedding you go to that you don’t bring a full choir and 12 piece band to as a surprise to the bride and groom, you will feel like a shmuck.” 

I wasted half an hour this morning looking for this song.

Because I couldn’t get it out of my head after hearing it in Weekend at Bernies II.

Which I own.

Now, see, I like Will Smith.  And he actually did a good acting job in this movie, more impressive because for the majority of the scenes, he was alone, or talking to a dog.

So I guess I blame the producer more.

I think they officially lost me in the scene where he has to kill his dog, because she’d contracted the dreaded rabies-zombie-virus. (I’m not making this up.  Rabid-zombie-virus.  [Oh and it cured cancer, so I guess that's nice.]  And they don’t even offer an attempt at an explanation of all the things wrong with the logic of that.)

So there he is, cradling his dog, his last friend on earth, who’d been bitten by the rabid-zombie-infected dogs (oh yes, I’m not making this up) after he’s given her the shot to put her to sleep, but she’s already turning evil, her hair falling out in clumps and her eyes going red and then she tries to bite him and the camera pans to his face as he strangles her.

I was shaking, it was so awful, and the same time, it was like, THIS SCENE JUST DOESN’T END.  It was drawn out in all the wrong places, like the driving scenes.  Ok, we get it, New York City is deserted.  We don’t need a hour of footage of him driving past landmarks.

So in short, Will, honey, fire your agent or whoever gave you that script, (RABIES-ZOMBIE-VIRUS, Will.  Did you have to read any farther than that?) because I spent two hours grinding my teeth and feeling relieved when your character finally died.

When I open the fridge and he hears the rustle of the lettuce bag, he goes nuts.  I’ll try to get footage for you, but in the meantime, this is the best description of it that I can find.

Laurel and Hardy - *pull up in front of a store* ‘You fair ladies in trouble?’

Thelma and Ruby - *in front of a gumball machine* ‘ We put a penny in this gimmack but it hasn’t given us a doodad.’

Valancy Jane - “‘Gimmack’?  ‘Doodad’?” *giggle*

Angelica - “‘Penny’?” *giggle*

Coworker - *drops Netflicks movies envelopes on the outgoing mail box on my desk*

Valancy Jane - “Good movie?”

Coworker - “Yeah totally.  You should que it, do you have Netflicks?”

Valancy Jane - “Sort of.”

Coworker - “What do you mean, ’sort of’?”

Valancy Jane - “Well, you know how you have Netflicks …………….”

*in the middle of the middle row* 

Valancy Jane - “Great movie.”

Zompus - “Yeah.”

Valancy Jane - *starts to exit the row to the left*

Zompus - *starts to exit the row to the right*

Valancy Jane - *yells*  “Race you!”

……………………

*at the theater doors*

Valancy Jane - “Ha!  I won!”

Zompus - *nods*

Valancy Jane - “Ok, well we’d better keep moving.  I stepped on some toes to get here first through the crowd, and they’re starting to catch up.”

First stop, the International Cottages.

After making friends in the Houses of France, Israel, Norway and Sweden, I wandered into the House of Iran, and met Aria.

Aria (How it’s pronounced, but probably not how it’s spelled) and I talked and talked. He poured tea, and we talked more and more. A group of people came in, and I helped pour them tea. Yes, the little Jewish/Irish girl helped host the House of Iran. *shrug* Can world peace be far behind?

I think I fit right in. Don’t you?

Then I wandered over to one of my favorite places ever, the Organ Pavilion. (August 20th is Silent Movie Night, with live organ to accompany a Laurel and Hardy movie, who’s coming with me?)

From there I wandered over to the Botanical Garden.

After that I wandered into the backstage area of a theater.  Theater people are like Italians.  They all automatically assume I’m one of them, and it’s very difficult to convince them otherwise.  So everyone assumed I was another actress and let me roam all over.

Then I wandered past the science museum and the fountain.

Then over the bridge to the rose garden.

This guy was leading an invisible tour group around the park.  I tagged along for awhile, at a respectful distance.  I learned a lot of things that I’m certain aren’t true, but very interesting.  I’m not telling what, though.  You have to let him tell you himself.

From there I headed toward the Artists’ Village.

By this time I’d looped back around to the Organ Pavilion.  I listened to the Navy band for awhile, and then wandered home, because even my anklet was tired.