Valancy Jane

Sumer - “How was the band Sat. night?”

Valancy Jane - “What band?  I went dancing.”

Sumer - “Oh, right, that was me.  I saw a band. ……………………… It was good.”

I sat out on my porch, watching the sunset and the planes and then the fireworks and enjoying what I didn’t know at the time would be my last night with beloved camera.

My camera and I have had so many adventures together, and he’s always been the perfect wingman.  Sure, there were days he just refused to work, but *shrug* me too.  I always liked the way he looked at me, and the things he helped me say.  We’ve seen each other naked, even.  (But that’s not what broke him, I swear.)

Would it be weird if I buried him?

Today I’m celebrating the true spirit of Independence Day by doing exactly as I please, as it occurs to me.  I may take a walk along the waterfront with my camera, I may reorganize my closet.  I might take a nap with my bunny.  I might go shoe shopping.  I might curl up on the couch and read “The Romance of Modern Astronomy.”  I might turn up at any of the bbq’s I’ve been invited to.  I might sit here at my computer and make up a new religion.  I may sit outside on the porch swing, get mildly drunk and watch the planes land.

We’re very patriotic.

And I totally hear that.

But girls have a harder dilemna.  What do you get a guy for Valentines Day? 

At least you guys know it’s hard to go wrong with flowers or dinner or those traditional things.  But what do guys want?

Flowers and candy?  I know some guys say they like that, but I’m wary of that, and how a guy would respond.  I feel like I’d have to have official clearance from my guy before I’d send such things, that he wouldn’t think it was totally gay. 

Picking up the tab for dinner?  Is that practical or just unoriginal?

Sex?  Doesn’t that imply that sex is a favor to you, and not something mutually enjoyed?  Is it insulting, or do you just not care because it’s sex?  I’m all for it, I just don’t think it qualifies as gift.

Do you want us to just think of something nice that you might like, even if it’s unrelated to Valentines Day, like the things we tend to get are?

Help.

I spent Groundhog’s Day just like every redblooded American does, taking down my Christmas tree.

But for SuperBowl Sunday, I have my very own private traditions.  I lay in the middle of the street and feel safe.

I don’t love Valentines Day just for the reason I’m often accused of liking for by those who don’t like Valentines Day, that I like it just because I’m very lucky in love.

While it is true, I have been in relationships with some really beautiful people, I have to confess, I like Valentines Day even better when I’m single.

See, when I’m in a relationship, I have a pretty good idea of how the day is going to go.  Flowers, a sweet note, dinner and some hm-hm-hmmm as ‘Rezzie would say.  Feeling loved and appreciated.  And while I don’t want to be accused of undervalueing that, I have to admit, it’s not wildly different from the Tuesday before Valentines Day or July 18th or November 3rd or March 28th.  Sometimes it reminds me to say me things I might have otherwise forgotten to, but it’s really not a huge deal of a day, in the context of a relationship.

But when I’m single, the day rings with possibility.  There’s no guarantee I’ll know who the flowers are from.  I wink at strangers.  I accept drinks from men I might not otherwise consent to drink with.  Perhaps it’s brought on by desperation, but it seems we all get friendlier, notice each other more, and get downright sluttier.  It’s awesome.  I may never have met anyone special on Valentines Day, but I’ve got some pretty interesting stories of near misses, and meeting people, and being reminded that the desire for love is universal.

So if I may be permitted to judge, if you don’t enjoy Valentines Day, you’re not doing it right.

….. “She’s like a five year old.  She could punch you in the gut and you’d still find it adorable.  She can do no wrong.”

Happy Birthday, darling.  We all love you.

VALENTINE APPLICATION FORM #0002A
15 JAN 08

1-15

PLEASE FILL OUT COMPLETELY BEFORE SENDING IN

——————————————

PRELIMINARY APPLICATION QUESTIONS:

1. ARE YOU CURRENTLY SINGLE? Y/N

We’re not talking about that, remember?

2. IS THERE A STANDING WARRANT FOR YOUR ARREST? Y/N

I won’t know unless I try to go back to that state.

2A. IF YES, IS IT FOR SOMETHING AWESOME LIKE HANG-GLIDING OFF OF THE EMPIRE STATE BUILDING AND LEAVING AN UNLICENSED TRAIL OF FIRE IN THE SKY? Y/N

Actually, yes.  “Forging state documents.”

3. IS YOUR DEFINITION OF “DATE MOVIE” UNJUSTIFIABLY BROAD? Y/N

If it’s a real date, who actually watches the movie?

4. HAVE YOU PURCHASED MORE THAN FIVE (5) “NOVELTY GIFT ITEMS” IN THE PAST YEAR? Y/N

Does origami paper count?

5. DOES YOUR NETFLIX QUEUE CONTAIN MORE THAN 300 TITLES? Y/N

I steal my coworkers’ Netflick movies out of the mailbox.  So …….. yes?

6. COMPLETE THIS STATEMENT: “_____ IS BETTER THAN HALLOWEEN.”

Sex.  On Halloween.

7. DO WE NEED NO STINKIN’ BADGES? Y/N

I have it on good authority (my boss), that yes, it turns out we do.

8. HAVE YOU EVER SUBSTITUTED DIGITS FOR LETTERS IN AN EMAIL? Y/N

My spelling is that bad, so yes.  Probably.

9. HAND-HOLDING SHOULD NOT OCCUR UNTIL WHICH DATE? CIRCLE YOUR ANSWER.

A. FIRST
B. SECOND
C. THIRD
D. FOURTH

B.  Wait, did you say “hand”? 

9A. IF YOU ANSWERED WITH B, C, OR D, ARE YOU:

A. AMISH
B. MORMON
C. LIVING IN VICTORIAN ENGLAND
D. SISSY SPACEK’S MOM IN “CARRIE”

Kind of, yeah. 

10. WHILE SLOW DANCING, DO YOU GENERALLY LEAVE ENOUGH ROOM BETWEEN PARTNERS FOR JESUS? Y/N

No.  I suspect Jesus can get his own girl if he wants to dance.  Or guy.

11. BETTER VALENTINE’S DAY DECORATION: A) SHINY RED HEARTS OR B) JACK O’ LANTERNS?

A.  Wait, did you say “hearts”?

12. WHEN YOU EAT YOUR SMARTIES DO YOU EAT THE RED ONES LAST? Y/N

No.  I arrange them into attractive color combinations of three.  And that’s important.

13. KOALAS ARE BEST WHEN THEY: A) EAT LEAVES OR B) WALK LIKE MEN

When they walk like Eygptians.

14. DO YOU REACT VIOLENTLY WHEN REFERRED TO AS “DOLLFACE”? Y/N

Yes.  But in a good way.

15. DO YOU LIKE ME? Y/N

We were married, remember?  So ……… meh.

As soon as they’re edited, retouched and photoshopped to appear as if Gwenyth Paltrow vacationed with us, I’ll post ‘em.

In appreciation for your patience, here is me, on my 27th birthday, proving that I still got it, baby.