Valancy Jane

So the conversation between Aurora, Rick and I that led to the worlds most disturbing pickup line was in fact about the game Paper Rock Scissors.  We were each showing off our secret moves.  

Here, I’ll show you a few.

The Stapler.  It defeats paper.

This is Fire.  Wiggle your fingers like flames.  It also defeats paper, but is very vulnerable to the next secret move ….

….. the Water Balloon.  This is one of the most fun secret moves, but can be popped by ….

….. the Snake Bite.  It can only be broken by the Rock.

“Oooooo, snake bite pops your water balloon.  You lose.  Also, no best outta three, because, uh, you’re dead.”

ZJ: Ok, have a good night.

Valancy Jane: I’ll try. Kylie Jane will lick my face if I cry, and I DEFY you not to giggle when a dog is licking your face.
It’s impossible.

ZJ: Unless you just watched him/her eat it’s own poop

Valancy Jane: Naw, Kylie Jane is a very tidy little dog.

ZJ: Then you have nothing to worry about

Valancy Jane: Right down to her pink toenails.

ZJ: *shakes head disapprovingly*

Valancy Jane: What?
They’re NATURALLY pink.

ZJ: Oh, well that’s better.

Valancy Jane: I can see how, knowing me, you’d assume that I would paint her nails, and the truth is, I would, but I DIDN’T.

Here’s the first one.  It took two days and our entire engineering department to decipher the directions, which, incidently, are here.

I used a phone stylus from the lost and found to curl the tails.

To avoid losing it, I kept it behind my ear at all times, sometimes even has I slept.

I folded pigs everywhere, in every spare moment. My coworkers helped me count and keep track of them all. Even though they of course also thought I’d lost my mind.

I folded pigs out of napkins while at the bar with my friends.

I folded pigs while getting my hair done.

I folded pigs while driving, when the traffic was bad.

I got a callus, of course. And named him Merv. Of course.

I watched them slowly pile up.

And then, I made them fly!

….. that were packed in around the watch that arrived in a package with no name in the return address or the mailing address.

“Time is our vanishing ghost”
“Time is our vanishing ghost”
“Time is our vanishing ghost”
“Time is our vanishing ghost”
“Time is our vanishing ghost”
“Time is our vanishing ghost”
“Time is our vanishing ghost”
“Time is our vanishing ghost”

…. and thought about painting each nail a different color because I couldn’t seem to decide which one to use.

In the clear light of morning, I don’t remember why I didn’t do it.

This weekend I was hanging out at Sumer’s, which was Spaghetti Party Central.  Seriously, girl can COOK and when she does, everyone who gets wind of it finds a reason to show up at her place.

I ended up staying over after everyone had left, and crashed on the futon.

And at about 3am, Sumer’s brother Anthony let himself in.  He’d been out with some of his friends in a nearby pub, and as his habit anytime he doesn’t feel up to driving, he walked over to Sumer’s.

I’m not sure if he figured out I was in the bed before or after he climbed into it, but I have to confess it made me a little nervous.  See, I like Anthony, everyone likes Anthony, even you like Anthony, you just don’t know it yet.  I like Anthony so much that I flirt with him scandalously, to weird out his sister, and I know he knows I don’t mean a word. 

But ….. well ……… he had been drinking, and I was …… there ……. and …. was he going to get handsy?  Would he decide this was a good excuse to take my jokes seriously?  Was I going to have to defend my dance space all night?

I stiffened up a little and debated slipping out of bed and joining Sumer.

I felt his hand start to slide over to my side of the bed.

“Great, here we go,” I thought.

He poke my hip.  “Hey babe.  Pull my finger.”  And then he farted.

And all I could do was giggle, because to set me at ease like that, well ….. that fart was one classy move.

You’re going to have up your game, if you expect to top this, the best present I’ve ever gotten.

I took it to bed with me, I love it that much.  No really, it sat next to my pillow, and I dozed off with my hand on it, smiling. 

I can’t stop smiling, and outright laughing when I look at it.  I mean …….. LOOK at it. 

(I named the skulls Jordan and Keith, obviously, and I’ll use them to hold paprika and cake sprinkles, obviously.)

If you expect to compete in today’s market, I suggest you leave a boatload of frequent flier miles in my stocking this Christmas. 

Just giving you fair warning, in time to hook that up.

Love, Valancy Jane.

The ant spray isn’t working so well, as an ant spray.  Our first clue should have been that there were ants CRAWLING on the ant spray.

Which isn’t to say it isn’t a potent concoction of chemicals, however.

I should know.  I’ve been sitting in a cloud of these fumes for two days now (and slapping ants off myself, leaving hand shaped bruises, which is not as fun as it sounds).

I am zonked out of my mind.

I’m not even sure the ants are real anymore.

Valancy Jane - “Am I holding up the line again?”

Patron - “No, and watching you juggle that box while taping it up so precisely has been quite a …………… performance.  So I wouldn’t mind anyway.”

…………………………………..

Postal Clerk - “Ok, here’s your card, sign here, here’s your recipt, confirmation slip and tracking number.  You’re all set.”  *reaches for the box*

Valancy Jane - “Sorry, why don’t you take the next customer while I finish?  I’ll slide over here.”  *bites tongue and painstakingly lines up the tape with the lines on the box*

Postal Clerk - “Sure, no problem, but you should know ……….”

Valancy Jane - “Mmmm?”  *twitches nose and folds the corners of the tape*

Postal Clerk - “….. We close at six pm.”

I know the answer to that, actually. The wonderfully fun woman who did the henna tattoo of a lizard on my back this weekend (I told her, “an animal and surprise me”) pointed out that if she did my hands, I wouldn’t be able to do ANYTHING with them for hours. And since I can’t even let my nail polish dry half the time before I forget and mess it up, I figured she had a point.

Perhaps they could tattoo my hands like this, for real.

My hands really SHOULD look like that.